A timely reminder

I read this recently...

Don't push people to like you, you're not a Facebook status.

...which got me thinking again about how much we often do to make sure that people like us or need us. It fills a place in our lives which has to do with our feelings of self worth, along the lines of "If he/she finds me OK, then I must be". A form of self-validation to ease the constant insecurities of our daily lives.


Part of becoming assertive is learning to be happy with yourself, with or without the input or approval of others. Although, as usual, you'll need to be aware of social conventions and niceties in your daily doings, these should not stand in the way of your just being yourself and acting in your own best interests. Nobody else is living your life, YOU are!


So get out there and do it. Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

I'd like to share an interesting introduction to fractals with you, narrated by author Arthur C. Clarke. This video is apparently the first of a series of six, I'll try to find the others as soon as possible.


Keep well...

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Railway reflections

As I type this I'm sitting in a train on my way to the south of the country. Not a particularly long journey, by any means, but one which offers me enough time to slow down, pull my thoughts together and reflect for a while. I think that we all need a small time-out occasionally, time to regroup and centre in some way. In the hustle and bustle of daily life, so much happens in which we end up getting involved, that we forget ourselves, the things we need and the ways we feel.


Worst of all, we often even forget to acknowledge the signals our bodies are giving us at particular moments, the signals that everything is NOT alright or that we're doing stuff in a way that is counterproductive to our wellbeing. If we listen carefully, our bodies tell us all kinds of things, our minds react to all sorts of triggers which elicit actions and reactions in our emotions and bodies.


It's good just to be able to step back, to reflect and observe the situation I'm in at any given moment. We all need to be able to see what we are doing and where we are going, most important of all it's necessary to be able to understand why we do certain things and not others. Too often learned and programmed behaviours are accepted as the norm, even though they deliver negative results in our lives. Learning to see what we're doing, why and how much influence we have over the course of things is one of the most essential tools we have at our disposal. Learning to become autonomous, making our own decisions in ways which benefit ourselves as well as other people, and becoming assertive in matters of daily life, are the tools for a productive and fulfilling existence.


The key to creating a full life is having the knowledge that you're in control of your own life and are able to have influence on the decisions which are going to affect you. You're not always going to have it your own way, that's not possible in a society in which people need to work together, but if you have the knowledge that you've done your best to protect your own best interests or have worked out an acceptable compromise, the basis is laid for a happy life. In the end, all that is necessary is the insight and the tools to transcend the endless power struggles which take place in society, so that you can take your own rightful place in the scheme of things.


Have a great day and take care of yourself. Keep well...

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Wordless on Wednesday

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Unlearning habits

Breaking a habit can be a hellishly difficult task, in almost the same way that learning one caused enough troubles of its own. There are moments I almost despair that I just get things wrong, breaking down when I thought I'd gotten my issues more or less sorted out. In the same way that learning habits takes a lot of time, effort and concentration, unlearning them takes even more. When trying to take on new behaviour or modify old ones, repetition and focus need to applied to ingrain a particular result. Some people learn quickly, others need more time to let a habit grow, others yet again seem to flounder and encounter all sorts of problems trying to get their lives into order.


Getting rid of old habits is even more difficult. A habit is usually formed to fulfil some kind of need or as a reaction to some issue from the past, so unlearning it means that the needs and issues involved also need to be either dismantled or neutralised in some way. The down side of this is that the old behaviours involved are often deeply ingrained and perhaps even unconscious ones, which need to be brought out into the daylight and reassessed. Easier said than done.


Addictions are behaviors which are designed to neutralise, numb down or ignore painful or threatening matters in life. Too much alcohol, too much TV, compulsive sex, working too long, endlessly rehashing past experiences or shopping until you drop, all are ways of not having to deal with the relevance of the present moment, which can be painful at moments and downright terrifying at others. Many people with severe addictive behaviours are often confronted with traumas of varying shapes and sizes, feelings of low esteem, psychological and psychiatric disabilities or an inability to find a meaningful place for themselves in a world they have difficulty understanding.


All of us have addictive tendancies, many of us already have fully fledged addictions we are unable or unwilling to deal with. Probably the most useful tool one has at one's disposal is to be totally, brutally honest with oneself, questioning why you'd spend so much time, money or effort with a particular behaviour and wondering what it delivers in the longer term. Often it's almost impossible to see what's going on on your own, the blinkers of subjectivity effectively blind one from being able to act decisively.


One of the keys to breaking bad habits and addictions is remembering that other people can help too. Not by tackling the fundamental issues, that's something you need to do for yourself, but by offering a safety net or a support system in which you can feel safe and be able to work on the matters at hand. As the saying goes, "you're on your own, but you can't do it on your own", quite applicable under the circumstances. Don't be afraid to ask for help, the only losers are the ones who choose to suffer in silence, refusing and unwilling to examine themselves or accept the help of others.


Hope this helps, take care and keep well...

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On the Last Day of Christmas...

Christmas 2011 is more or less over, leaving behind it a vague emptiness now the feeding frenzy has died down. I feel a little sad in some ways, because even though I have deliberately kept myself aside from all the Christmas related nonsense I still see how superficial and how hollow these days have become.


In hindsight, it's something I've been working towards for several years now. I've been becoming increasingly uncomfortable with the social perceptions of Christmas in Western Society, if anything it's digressed seriously from a moment of reflection to a rather disturbing "all about me" free-for-all where no stone is left unturned to prove to others how much you love them by showing that no expense be spared in doing so.


More and more I've sensed that I need to look inwardly, to see how I function in a society and world to be able to understand the real message of Christmas, to try to live beyond the artificial constraints of social acceptability and economic expediency. I understand the message of Jesus, yet the present tradition has little to do with a child which was probably born at any time other than in the middle of winter and pushes a distorted and convoluted message which in essence is dead simple, if you only have the wit and the openness to look and listen.


People matter, not purchases. Instead of elaborate meals and contrived pleasantness, try listening to each other with an open heart. The world can become a better place if you dare to let yourself break free.


Keep well...

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Fractals at Christmas

One of the best fractal animations which I have come across, which shows how deep and absolutely complex the fractal universe can be.


Enjoy your Christmas, make it a good one for yourself and for the important people in your life.

Keep well...

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Santa Claus is comin' to Town

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This is a rerun of something I cobbled together a couple of years ago.
Hope you like it, Merry Christmas to you all...

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You’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
You’d better not pout
I’m telling you why

Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town


He’s making a list
And checking it twice
Gonna find out who’s naughty and nice

Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town


He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake

Oh, you’d better watch out
You’d better not cry
Better not pout
I’m telling you why

Oh! santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town


Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town

Little tin horns
And little toy drums
Rooty-toot-toot
And rump-a-tum-tum
Curly-haired dolls
That tootle and coo
Elephants, boats and kiddie cars too


Oh! santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town

One more time now..


Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town
Santa claus is comin’ to town


Keep well...

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Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are

DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.

DEPRESSION
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

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Fractals on Friday

Today I went on a long excursion through one particular Mandelbrot set. Lots of different magnifications and sections were taken, with some experimenting with colour schemes.







Keep well...

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Individuals and society

Probably one of the biggest traps in previous parts of my life is worrying about what other people might think of me. Sounds silly in some ways, but but have you ever stopped to think about how much of our lives is influenced by the way we want people to see us. How much of what we say is based more on social acceptability than expressing whatever it is we would like to say, how often do we find ourselves doing things we would prefer not to do, pushing aside the things that really matter to us?


Social cohesion is mainly based upon consensus and mutual cooperation. Which means that nobody gets to do his/her own thing all of the time and ignore the wishes of others. Part of being an effective member of a social group is occasionally tempering one's own wishes and trying to dove-tail these into the necessities of a social existance. Anybody who does whatever he/she likes is usually very quickly sidelined in daily life, because if people can't count on you, you run the risk of being ostricised and ignored at a certain point. A society doesn't have much use for totally selfish people, at some point there needs to be some point of meaningful contact between its members from which all stand to gain.


On the other hand though, trying to become as acceptable as possible in a social setting by ignoring your own wishes, and pandering to popular interest whilst putting your own needs aside, leaves you feeling used and abused, and wondering what the hell is going on. It's a set-up for feeling totally miserable, given enough time. Nobody wins, you feel frustrated and compromised, and others view you as a pushover and a wimp because they know that you will never, ever say "No". Once again, even though conservative forces in society demand otherwise, the push towards total conformity with too many people saying and doing the same thing out of fear of what others might think, is a recipe for disaster since any forms of originality,creativity or renewal are pushed aside as irrelevant, undesireable or unnecessary.


One of the things I fear is not being taught enough in schools, and in society in general, is that assertivity and self-promotion is important and very necessary for a sense of self worth. We live in a society of consumerist individualism, where everybody seems to be following each other in fashions, trends and memes, where real individuals who assertively promote their own points of view are few and far between. Such individuals are initially viewed with suspicion, even hostility occasionally and kept at a safe distance until the merits/demerits of their standpoints have been assessed. Nevertheless, they serve an important function in the development and progress in society, questioning old values and defining new ones, pushing accepted boundaries to the limit and redefining modes of social interaction.


A society that can not or will not change will eventually die, stagnating in a gray cloud of sad mediocrity where innovation is stifled, creativity frowned upon and benefiting only those running the show. In contrast, a society which is in a state of extreme flux and revolution runs a great risk of falling apart since the social "glue" which keeps them together is dissolving at a faster rate than the population can deal with effectively, leaving the way open for opportunists and profiteurs to take advantage of the disrupted social situation. People are needed who can, at the same time, generate enough energy and insight to provide new insights to social existence and at the same time create enough confidence in a social setting to provide a stable framework in which to live.


Standing up for your own views in a clear, concise and articulate fashion forms one of the bases of a worthwhile and meaningful existence. Knowing what you want, expressing what you need, being realistic and not immediately accepting the inevitable conservative reactions is of vital importance for growth, not only in a personal sense but also in a way of benefit to society in general. No matter what happens, you are exquisitely important as an individual. You are not just part of a collective group, you have your own unique talents and possibilities and have the right to use these in whatever ways you find necessary to improve the society you live in. The world is yours, take it and make it an even better one.


Keep well...

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Wordless on Wednesday

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An opening of doors

One of the things I do every morning is write. I write and I write and I write, a kind of free flow, stream of consciousness writing which is at times incoherent, inherently chaotic and at moments intensely liberating. In the meantime it's become part of my morning ritual, just sitting down and writing at least an A4 full of whatever bubbles up at that moment.


In the several months I've been doing this (I started at the beginning of September) I've noticed a shift in emphasis and necessity in what I've been doing. I started out very unsure of myself, not really able to crystallise out what I was going to do and feeling very awkward at first. In some ways it was confronting, just sitting down at the computer, saying to myself "I will just type and type whatever comes to mind" because it's something I had never done before. I had no idea of what I could expect, or if I should even expect something at all.


And so I got started. The first days were difficult, mostly a rehashing of the daily events and sometimes just a small capitulation, when I just wrote that I was totally unable to write and tried to identify what was going on. In some ways it was rather frustrating, since what I wanted and what I felt I needed seemed totally beyond my grasp at the time, and at certain moments I was considering stopping the whole adventure altogether.


At a certain point I noticed small openings starting to appear. Lots of little moments of insight, which seemed to slip into my mind but which also slipped away just as easily, were beginning to make themselves seen. Tiny moments of encouragement, noticed and noted in my writing but not studied in any way because they were still too ephemeral and otherworldly for some reason. Nevertheless, they still kept on coming back in the same way you'd almost hear music being played far away on a summer evening, sometimes fading when the breeze picked up and becoming audible again when the rustling of the leaves and grass had died down.


Now, more than three months further, I'm becoming more and more aware of the stirrings in the occluded parts of my mind. I have the feeling now that, by just forcing myself to write whatever comes up in my mind, I am beating down a lot of the barriers which have prevented me from expressing myself more fully than I wished, built up in previous parts of my history. At moments words come of their own accord, unsought and occasionally inopportunely, requiring me to do some serious reflection upon the issues involved. It's not easy and sometimes definitely no fun, but the words I entrust to my computer each morning have a particular cathartic function which helps even out some of the bumps and constrictions in daily life.


And so it goes, the experiment continues, day by day, word by word, insight by insight. The first steps have been set, the long journey to whatever is to appear on my path has been set in motion in an almost forceful manner. The barriers are coming down and I'm intensely curious as to what the coming year is going to bring with it. I'm hopeful and optimistic, much depends upon my own perseverence and perspicacity but I know that whatever happens, everything happens for a reason which I need to learn from.


Carpe diem, keep well...

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Parenting is not childs play

One thing I need to remember, my children are not my own, in the sense that I "possess" them. If anything, children are a gift, we have the opportunity to look after them for the time that they aren't able to do so themselves, but in time and given the appropriate resources, we work towards their gaining independance and living their own lives on their own terms.


It's not always easy as a parent to distance oneself from the urge to control. Often it's easier just to say how things are done and expect them to continue to be done in that way, instead of including the child in the discussion and getting to know what works best for him or her. I think this is the sticking point for a lot of parents, who are often desperately insecure in their own ways. Not really knowing what to do or not trusting emotional or alternative insights, a parent often clings to hard and fast rules, given knowledge and an authoritarian life style which is more based on the needs of the parent than of the child.


In many ways we deny the right of a child to develop in its own way. We lumber it with our own expectations, demand that they unquestioningly stick to "the rules" (whatever they might be) and make it perfectly clear that we don't appreciate their thinking outside of any boxes we cherish. I remember all too well my own frictions with my parents with all sorts of issues, although those which mainly stick out are those which had to do with religious upbringing. I could not, for the life of me, get it through to my parents that watever worked for them just wasn't working for me. Intuitively I'd long realised that I simply couldn't fit into the system in which they'd found their own place and however much they would want to share this with me, occasionally in a somewhat heavy handed manner, it had about 0% relevance in my life at that time.


Other issues were constantly being played out, but in hindsight I recognise the good intentions and well meaning attempts to get my scruffy little butt into line with what society expected of me. Unfortunately, perhaps because I was a little bit too forward for my age, I realised that a society was something we created on a communal basis, from the bottom up and not the other way around. There were, and are, no hard and fast rules because the conditions in which we live in are constantly changing, requiring different modes of conduct to solve different problems. I suspect that this is where part of the "generation gap" problem comes from, that the older people in society assume that the world is required to remain the same as the one they grew up in, the one in which they felt safe and the one which they feel obliged to guard in any ways possible. Any new input from the young upstarts are viewed with suspicion at best and often with outright hostility.


Been there, done that. I'm now at the stage in which I try to see how I can accommodate the needs and wishes of my own children in the framework of the life I've built up for myself. I've more or less shed the trappings of a sedate and pedestrian existence, living life on the (constantly changing) terms I identify as useful and encouraging my children to do so also. In some ways they are still stuck in the quiet complacency of old world expectations, all I can realistically do is to show them that there are alternatives, that they can create and work towards goals of their own choosing in the ways that suit them best. It's not only their right that a parent should do this, it's also one of the duties of a parent to look to the most basic needs of a child, to let it feel safe and guide it but also give it enough room to develop in the way that it feels is right.


Which doesn't take away the fact that a child can fall flat on its face occasionally. All people do at one time or another, the most important thing to realise is that what you do afterwards is more important than having failed at any given moment. Failures are an essential part of life, if things go smoothely then nothing really substantial gets learned. Of course, as parents, we need to make sure that any hint of immediate danger is taken away, that no situations occur where a child could be harmed. So we teach about fire and hot stuff, make sure the most poisonous stuff in house is beyond reach, take measures that nobody gets hurt with furniture or utensils and try to identify the challenges a child encounters which are still just beyond its grasp at its age. In the end though, we need to let go. It's not useful to not let the children cook, for example, because they might burn themselves, even though they might be teenagers with a loud mouth. At that point it's time to let go and let them make their own mistakes.


And they will, and sometimes spectacularly so. Like their parents before them, horrible choices will be made, stupid decisions will be upheld and moments of indescretion will be rued long after the facts have been forgotten. We all live, we all make mistakes, we all learn. Giving ourselves space to make mistakes, learning from our lessons and moving on, that's what life is about and that's what we should be teaching our children. Not binding them to the hard and fast rules of a society which existed in the past, the needs and issues of which have become irrelevant in the meantime. Time moves on, people change and children need to be guided but not smothered, in their quest to gain adulthood.


So, I've gotten that out, hopefully in a coherent way. Time to get myself going and make some new mistakes today. Keep well...

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Blasts from the past

I'm still amazed at how much of my behaviour is determined by my unconscious belief systems. I've been taking the time recently to stop and look at the things I'm doing and ask myself why I'm doing them. This is much easier said than done, since so many of my mannerisms and habits are so ingrained in my daily doings that I'm not even aware of them.


I had a couple of experiences during the last few days which really brought a couple of issues to the foreground. I'm not going into any specifics here, but suddenly a couple of occurrences suddenly came together and brought with them a kind of "Aha" moment, in which I suddenly understood were a couple of my triggers were to be found.


Recovering from addiction brings with it the need to look carefully, quietly and attentively to the ways I react to moments and situations in life. Quite often seemingly unimportant stimuli spark off reactions in the body and mind, letting emotions desires and loose which I thought had been effectively tamed. Sometimes they quietly lurk in the background, sometimes they totally take you by surprise when a moment of stress occurs.


For me, one particular difficulty is the processing of images and impulses I receive in the course of a day. In a way it's a defect in my personal defence mechanism in that I can't filter the overload effectively occasionally. At the moment itself there isn't really any problem, as long as I can keep concentrating on whatever it is I'm doing. The crucial moment comes when it's time to relax and wind down after the pressure has been taken off, it's then that all kinds of stuff from my past starts to play up and make life difficult for me.


The main part of any "solution" is identifying where the triggers lie and how they originated in relationship to other moments in my past. In some ways growing up is a process of unlearning a lot of habitual behaviour which has become irrelevant in the meantime. Ways of coping in the past, ways of acting in any given situation, will change with age and maturity. Life becomes a constant process of evaluating, re-evaluating and discarding the less useful in favour of the new and the necessary. An open mind, an ability for self-reflection and a willingness to move out of the comfort zone can help. Believe me.


Keep well..

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