Fractals on Friday

Two short experiments this time, beautiful but a little inconclusive at first sight. Almost like fronds in a tropical forest, dropping down from the trees into the undergrowth, entwining and tangling.


In a way the images are a bit like the thoughts I have at moments, they appear from nowhere and for whatever reason I find they appear to become more and more important the more I think about them, until they take on a reality of their own which has little or nothing to do with the present circumstances. Perhaps a little far-fetched, it's almost as if I create my own realities by obsessing on whatever's occupying my mind, drowning out or distorting the quiet and unencumbered perceptions of the world as it really is.


I wonder what tomorrow's going to be like. Today was great, albeit a little disjointed and distracting.

Keep well...
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Wordless on Wednesday

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Wordless on Wednesday

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Taking responsibility

A couple of ongoing issues have been niggling me recently concerning "victim mentality". I notice that I'm still occasionally inclined to seek justifications for my own actions in external circumstances and point fingers at others instead of facing issues fairly and squarely.


In some ways this is still a remnant of my past addictive behaviour. In the past my whole lifestyle revolved around substance abuse, getting hold of whatever I needed, relativating self destructive behaviour and fending off criticism from family members. It was always somebody elses problem, I was a victim of circumstance, I felt sad, lonely, unhappy and freaking angry at everything and with everybody.


The big change came when the uncomfortable fact dawned upon me that I, despite the life I was trying to live out, was directly responsible for my own actions. Instead of trying to get my environment to understand what was happening to me and hoping they'd accomodate my own accommodation of a hopeless life situation, I needed to get off my backside and get my life back under control so I would stop hurting those I wished to hurt least.


There were a couple of aggravating life issues which were hardly under my control, but in which I was complicit because I tolerated them and refused to act, even though it was blatantly obvious that nobody was happy. The family situation was deteriorating rapidly and that the children were suffering seriously. Instead of acting, I'd chosen to cope on selfish terms.


The breaking point was one October evening in 2007 after a serious domestic fight in which two family members were injured. This occured in a period that one of the children had also been in treatment for various self-destructive behaviours for which I'd been trying to offer assistance but found myself unable to do. I took it upon myself to try to find some sort of assistance, through the social work, child care and (mental) health systems. It dawned upon me after several weeks that nothing would be achieved by half measures and that the time had come to pull myself together and get myself into treatment because nobody was getting anywhere despite all efforts being made. But I digress.


The matter at hand is that nothing can be achieved by looking toward external circumstances when readjusting a life situation. At a certain point I need to take full responsibility for my own situation and my own actions, looking carefully at how I'm functioning in my surroundings, how I'm reacting to the issues presented and deciding in how far I'm willing to confront myself with matters I'd prefer to have left alone.


There's a Charlie Brown comic strip I read years ago, which went more or less illustrates what I'm trying to say.

"My Dad's really great at fixing cars. A couple of days ago, when we were out driving, the car started making a lot of noise under the hood."
"So what did your Dad do to fix the problem?"
"He turned up the volume on the radio so we couldn't hear the noise any more."

"Turning up the volume" is what I've done too often in the past and I'm still tempted to do at moments when things get a bit difficult or complicated. Alcohol didn't solve anything, refusing to address the issues at hand didn't either. Every moment and every day I make a conscious decision to be as honest with myself and the stuff needing doing. To do anything less would be to fool myself and undo much progress being made.


Time to get moving and motivated. Have a great day, keep well...

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Monday morning

It's been long and very busy weekend. One with a lot of challenges but also one with a lot of excitement and new possibilities. I've been quietly mapping out a course of activities for myself for the coming period, integrating these with my list of goals for 2011, enjoying the successes and learning from the things that didn't go as well as I'd liked.


The rhönrad team had an extra and extended training Saturday morning, in preparation for the National Finals next weekend. The nerves are starting to show, but also the sharpened techniques and refined exercises which are working well for most of the participants. Youngest Daughter performed well, although the early hour in the weekend didn't agree particularly with her. Nor with a number of others, I noticed.


I took the time to improve my photography and pay a bit more attention to the composition of my shots. The lighting in the hall was a bit wierd, only the two central rows of flourescent lighting (of the four) were on, which gave a somewhat odd and contrastry effect along the edges of the hall. On the other hand, there was a very fetching side illumination at moments which I found very appealing and which I could use very well to enhance the feeling of the moment. The results can be seen here.


Eldest Daughter came home for the night on Saturday evening. She'd been away in her new place for a few days, had an appointment back in the city and asked to stay the night. It was good being able to talk on different and less frayed terms. A lot of issues still need to be resolved, between us, about her life in general with the carers at the facility she's now living in and perhaps most important of all, about the disturbed relationship with her mother. There's a lot of ill feeling and resentment still floating around, it's going to take a very long time to put the issues to rest and all we can hope for at the moment is that everybody involved be as honest and and forthright as possible. We keep on hoping and trying, things always change and usually for the better if the best of intentions are kept in mind.


Time to get myself moving for today. Enough at hand, I need to get myself some framing material and start practicing making passepartouts and picture frames for upcoming exhibitions.

Have a great day, keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

There's a lot of variation in my fractals today. In some ways they're indicative of the lack of focus I'm having at the moment. I've been doing a lot of chopping and changing of controls instead of trying to stick to one subject/image/colour scheme. Some interesting results evolved though, opening paths to new possibilities which I could explore at a later moment.


I've been having a bit of difficulty balancing the wildness and restlessness in my fractals on the one hand, and attempts to find quietness and introspection on the other. Not that my fractal programme is particularly anthropocentrically inclined, but I've noticed that the images I create are often an expression of how I'm feeling and what state of mind I'm in at that moment. Occasionally it's the other way around too, upon reflection the images create a mental state in which I can work or reflect on issues needing attention.


Lots of readjustments going on here, it takes a lot of getting used to the fact that Eldest Daughter isn't here any more. I could best describe the atmosphere as being one of emptiness, in the sense of being a gap between two distinct situations. A lot of repressed tension is moving through my body, feelings of guilt and inadequacy need attention whilst at the same time the quiet reassembling of my life is beginning.


Yesterday was a bit of a muddled, mixed up kind of day, but also an emotionally quiet one. I have a mental image of a tank of muddied water, in which the sediment is slowly but surely starting to sink towards the bottom, leaving ever clearer water to be seen. In retrospect, viewing the events of the last three years, I can see that my life is becoming more and more transparant and predictable whilst also taking note of the fact that an enormous amount of relational reconstruction still needs to be undertaken with regard to the children.


My course yesterday evening touched on the use of listening techniques. The first exercise was very illuminating for me, demonstrating the amount of mental noise I subject myself to at moments. Four of the participants of the course had to wait in the hallway, one of the other four was told a story which had to be passed on to one of those waiting outside. I was the first to come back inside, was told the story but I was so fixated on remembering stuff that I effectively blocked myself from being able to recount half the story I needed to pass on afterwards. The same effect happened to the following threee people, so in the end a story of about six or seven sentences got compressed into a totally different tale of one sentence, which had little, if anything, to do with the original narrative.


So, first things first. I need to be able to relax in a meaningful and consistent way, not allowing myself to be overwhelmed by thoughts or feelings. A shift of focus can be helpful here, allowing myself to become absorbed by that which I'm doing instead of fragmenting myself by trying to multi-task and splitting my attention between any number of activities or thoughts. One thing at a time, tackling issues with my full attention, noting successes and defining for myself the things that could be improved. Lots to be done, but with practice I should be able to find the clarity needed to finally see the issues for what they are.


Have a great day, keep well.

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Another blogiversary

I'd had absolutely no idea that my sixth blogiversary had come and gone a week ago. I've been a little too preoccupied with stuff going on here to really take much notice at the moment. To be perfectly honest I'm having difficulty keeping focussed enough to be able to write consistently and constructively. Lots of crap occasionally, distractions galore and emotional undercurrents which seem to invade my thoughts at all the wrong moments.


All things told, this last year has been an enormously eventful one, culminating yesterday in Eldest Daughter's moving to an assisted living setting, in a town about 25km from here. She'll be able to receive expert attention and guidance there, something I haven't been able to provide here with my own limited resources. Despite all the best of intentions and all the effort in the world, things just didn't work out with the two of us in one household. We've both accepted the fact, and moved on with sigh of mutual relief.


As far as my blog is concerned, I've been severely tempted recently to ditch the whole thing. My mind has been in a particular muddle at moments, it isn't always easy to structure my day and my thoughts so I can just thump out whatever needs attention. On the other hand, by getting a grip on my life situation and with the extra possibilities of a more routine and predictable lifestyle, I might be able to find the quietness in which the words present themselves of their own accord, so I can herd them in meaningful way.


I'm taking things easy today, starting to reorganise my life and getting my focus back onto my goals for 2011. I've come a long way since writing them down, with the occasional week of stagnation in between, but on the whole I'm satisfied with the progress being made. One day at a time, step by step, issue by issue.


Have a great day. Keep well...

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Wordless on Wednesday

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Stop, listen and learn

Let's face it, tension is one of those things that are part of daily life. In fact, it's a pretty normal thing really, because tension is also a reflex action to prepare oneself for action or quick thinking when it might be needed.


The problems arise when the tension doesn't go away, or when it becomes a default setting in our daily lives. We become irritable, out of sorts and start to notices little aches and pains caused by prolonged stress on parts of the body which aren't used to it. Try pressing your thumb and index finger together for ten minutes if you don't understand what I'm talking about.


All too often though, we're not even aware of the amount of tension which is retained in our bodies. This is where the story gets dangerous, since even small amounts of stress over extended periods of time can cause physical overextension and chemical imbalance which affect the overal functioning of the body. Often, when one part of the body is unable to cope, other parts of the body are affected as a consequence in an attempt to alleviate the unnatural and prolonged stresses.


We westerners have been taught to disregard the sensations our bodies produce. There seems to be a fundamental distrust of anything physical, ranging from our disturbed views on sexuality to how we cope with pain or unwanted sensations. We are instructed from an early age to ignore what our bodies are trying to tell us, since it's assumed that perseverence will get us everywhere. No matter if we injure ourselves along the way apparently, that's all part and parcel of the crash or crash through mentality of today's society.


For my part, the best way to be able to identify tension is to just slow down and stop to take a look at myself, preferably several times a day. Some may call it mindfulness, others might call it down time, whatever it is it's just a few minutes at a time to figure out how my body is feeling and trying to identify what's causing any given sensations. Often enough there isn't any direct or easy explanation, but just accepting the fact that things are the way they are is reassuring in it's own way.


Stop, listen and learn. Way to go. Keep well...

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