And now for some good news

I'm feeling happy this morning. Yesterday evening, after returning home with Katie after our weekly training, I'd received an email asking me to supply photos for the Rhönrad World Championship magazine.


I'm pretty confident I've got some good photos of all the ten Dutch competitors who'll be going to Switzerland next May, it's just going to take a lot of scrounging through my archive though.


Thank heavens that's one of the things I've managed to keep reasonably organised during the last couple of years. A photographers worst nightmare is trying to find an image he knows exists but has no idea where it can be found amongst the tens of thousands of images.


A good start to the week. Keep well...

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Words and meanings

Languages are lovely things. Being completely bilingual and having learned a couple of other languages in the course of the years, is an enormously enriching factor in my life. Although I don't have anything to compare my own experience with, I can't imagine a life contained in just one language field alone.


I've found, by learning and absorbing other languages, that I have a very useful tool to be able to understand my own primary languages. Each language represents a different outlook on the world around it and by examining the similarities and differences with my own I discover new meanings and nuances which I'd never suspected before.


One thing that surprises me though, is that language is not only about the words and systems of expression between individuals, but also how the individuals themselves "fill in the gaps" in their experience in their own unique ways. If I mention the word "spring" you will have a mental image of spring which is your own unique creation and totally different to the one your next door neighbour or I might have. Every word and every concept has a meaning which you and I have given them ourselves, irrespective of the meanings anybody else might attach to them.


Essentially, we're all living in our own separate linguistic universes, coloured by our own preferences and experiences, based upon knowledge built up over many years in our own very personal ways. In many ways it's a very lonely existence which is only alleviated by the social contacts in daily life. We share our personal experiences and associated language symbols in attempt to express ourselves and understand each other, and at the same time build a common ground upon which we can form units of cooperation. It's interesting to see the ways in which different families have different modes of expression and ways of dealing with situations and concepts, as opposed to the individual and larger social settings.


For me, my languges have the dual purpose of trying to clarify what it is exactly I'm thinking and trying to say, for both myself and the social group around me, but also giving me the tools to work with by comparing different systems and approaches to "reality". The most basic task for me in the first place is trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm trying to say in the first place.


Lots to do again today. There's no way I'm going to be bored now. Keep well...

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Expressing anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about how I can control the anger I'm still feeling. Much built up resentment, hurt and indignation bubbles up to the surface of my life at all the wrong moments, eliciting hurtful and misdirected responses. I know these responses stem from a lot of pain from my past, but both the causes and the effects need to be dealt with in a useful and constructive way.


There are still many subjects needing attention. The troubled relationship with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse, employment issues, generalised rage at a "civilised" world where the weak and helpless are left to fend for themselves and my own inability to articulate issues or take action on matters of deep concern.


A I wrote yesterday, I could scream my head off whenever I can. I could punch pillows or chop down a forest, abuse anybody and everybody who gets in my way or just internalise everything bothering me and not get in anybody elses way.


None of these options are a real answer unfortunately. If I'm abusive or obnoxious, I'll receive from others what I give them myself, doubled, trebled and relentless once I've established a pattern, and isolating myself even further. Internalising isn't a healthy option either. It makes me sick, mentally, physically and socially as has been demonstrated rather admirably during the last few years. Blowing off steam in some way, by transferring my agression to some inanimate object instead of kicking the cat (or dog, llama or hamster) might be a good, short term solution but all too often situations arise where there are no pillows available or that trashing my surroundings isn't particularly advisable. What to do then?


Part of the solution I've been working on is to build up an acceptance of the anger that is still running around in my mind and my body. The situation is as it is, and much as I would like to change it I'm stuck with the reality of the present point in time and space. Quite often now though, when I feel indignation and emotions start brewing, I just take a quiet moment's "time out" to identify what I'm feeling and how I'm experiencing that feeling, perhaps the equivalent of the mental counting to 10 (or fifty, or ten thousand depending on the situation) and at the same time attempting to identify what effect the emotion is having on me, and what the possible benefits might be to give in to the anger at that moment.


Although it sounds easy, it isn't. What my approach boils down to is shifting the emphasis from what somebody else is doing or has done, to how I'm reacting on that input. In the end, the only realistic option is controlling my own reaction because, despite all good wishes and even better intentions, it isn't possible for me to control the rest of the world. I'm responsible for how I feel, and will be needing to make use of all the tools available to defuse tensions and hurt within my own system so that I can't be touched in the future.


I've still got a long way to go on this subject, I have the feeling I've barely scraped the surface of something much bigger here but I'm glad I've managed to be able to share this much already. In a way just writing it all down has crystallised a couple of issues already and I'm hoping that this is the beginning of something new and uplifting.


Have a great day. Keep well...

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Snapshot

I've been in survival mode for a couple of weeks now. I sincerely hate these periods but have no option to "go with the flow" until my mind and my spirit have calmed down and can cope with the daily realities effectively.


This cycle started around the middle of February, when household pressures were building, there was no perspective of a direct resolution to the divorce and my employer was giving me a hard time because my recovery is taking longer than he (and I) had expected. A short and hard-hitting relapse was the result. Short, overwhelming and disappointing, but in some ways necessary to be able to relieve the tensions which were condemning me to inability and inactivity once again.


The clouds are starting to lift, my horizons are starting to widen again and the world around me is becoming more and more comprehensible on a daily basis. I'm still grappling with the almost desperate need to purge the ill-feeling and sadness in a useful way. Articulation evades me, the words are still blocked somewhere, somehow, and even my images leave me feeling a little hollow at the moment. Perhaps I need to scream my lungs out somewhere, somehow and get it over and done with. Who knows?


I wish I could. Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

Todays fractals turned out to be a bit of a wild and neural bunch, probably reflecting my recent mood a little. They were generated within one fractal set and represent different areas and subsets of the whole image, in the same way I've often been doing recently.


Things are changing rapidly here, there's a strange atmosphere of being halfway between a new and an old situation, with enough accompanying confusion to keep us all busy for the time being. The two youngest children are quietly excited about the changes, they're busy redecorating their new rooms and helping with odd jobs around the new house in which they'll be living.


I've been keeping out of peoples way most of the time and just doing my own thing. I'll be staying in the old house with my eldest daughter and there's enough to be done around here to keep me out of mischief for quite some time. A new fence out the back is in the making, there's a lot of painting to be done and some repairs which I could find neither the time, energy nor motivation for in the past.


One of the killing things of depression is that so much eventually seems to be pointless, and even if the necessity is apparent so much energy is wasted in trying to get things done that I would give up in the end, reinforcing the depression cycle and seriously wounding my sense of self-esteem. In the end I just didn't try any more.


The therapy I'm following is working well and I'm starting to feel the benefits of daily meditation and (self-)observation techniques learned. Actually, a lot of it is quite simple in theory and only requires a lot of practice on a daily basis to be able to quieten the mind down so I can view the world around me in a more detached and observant manner than an emotional and (over-)involved one. Now that I've been at home full time again for the last couple of weeks I've managed to pry myself loose from daily deluge of input which I'd been unable to cope with for many years and little by little I'm finally managing to relax and get my own life into a much more sensible perspective. High time, I'd say...


And so it goes. The wheel of life continues to turn, bringing hope and new challenges on a daily basis, but now in a way I'm able to control in my own fashion. Such a pity it took me almost fifty years to get to the place I'm at now, but as is said, better late than never.

Have a great day, and keep well.

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The Dutch Rhönrad Gymnastics Championships

I suddenly realised that I still hadn't posted the pictures of Katie at the National Championships on March 7th. Here's a selection of Katie's performance, extracted from the huge number of photos I made in the course of the day.
(Click on the images for an enlargement)


I've more or less become the "official" photographer at matches nowadays. A lot of the youngsters (and their parents) are glad that someone is able to make photos of a reasonable quality of their performances. I'm mostly interested in capturing the technical and aesthetic qualilties of the sport, with varying results depending on the lighting, the hall layout and my own mood (very important!).


Katie performed her routine very well. There were 25 contestants in her category and for quite a while she was equal third, together with one of her teammates. They were both very excited but by the time the sixteenth and twentieth gymnast had come along they were down to equal fifth place, where they also ended. It transpired later, however, that the two who won first and second places had been entered at a lower level than their usual ability, a fact that had quite a number of people grumbling.


The rest of the photos will be posted on my website later in the year. It's usually a time-consuming job with lots of colour corrections, cropping and correcting of aspects.


At the moment I'm still shooting in high quality JPEG format, I'm going to be experimenting with the RAW mode on my camera soon to see if I can get some better results that way. One of the most important things on my wish list though is still a faster lens, so I can capture the action a lot better and lose less good shots due to motion blurs and bad exposure. A guy can dream I guess...


The next match is June 6th, a friendly competition which is open for everyone who has any level of proficiency. I'll be competing there as well, if I don't have too much trouble with my shoulder in the meantime. We'll see...

Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

Today saw me digging down into the infinite variety of colours and patterns of just one fractal set, exploring the nuances in the different areas of the equation used. Once again it's been a trip filled with surprises and unexpected mood shifts along the way.


The last few weeks have been a little frantic and dislocating, at moments when I really didn't need any extra fuss. On the other hand, I'm much more in a position now to maintain a better overview of what I'm doing and short term future perspectives. I think I'm finally able to examine the situation I'm in on a more factual and less emotional basis, and take the necessary action in a hopefully less impulsive way than I've been doing in the past.


My Soon-To-Be-Ex-Partner had been granted a new house and is now in the process of doing the necessary repairs and redecorating. The physical and emotional "moving house" has begun and an enormous weight has been lifted from my mind this last week. Perhaps it's also in combination with the brilliant spring weather, but I'm now finding the energy and the incentive to start up again on all the jobs needing doing, in which I'd been bogged down for far too long recently. The children are relieved and are cautiously optimistic after a period of too much tension and sadness on their part.


Slowly but surely changes are starting to seep through my own life, now the therapy I've been following is taking hold my way of looking at myself and the world around me. It's a form of cognitive therapy based on Buddhist meditation and philosophy, not so much a solution to the problems I carry with me but altering perspectives so that stress, pain and depression are less intrusive in my daily life. The sessions are heavy going, there are often unexpected physical, mental and emotional reactions after "letting go" of particular mindsets but the general outcome is one of improvement in all facets of my life. This course is only the beginning, I am still at the stage of learning to use new tools to aid me for the rest of my life.


Another part of my life needing attention, is the rebuilding of friendships I've let slip during the last few years. Many people who were part of my life during the years have faded to the background, still there but hardly visible whilst I've been trying to get my own life back into order. I've been taking the time during the last few weeks to rekindle acquaintances and getting to accept the fact that many mutual friends won't be around in the future. My Soon-To-Be-Ex-Partner seems to be taking on an attitude of rivalry and feels threatened, which to my mind is absolutely unnecessary since I'm assuming the people concerned from our previous joint life are intelligent enough to make their own choices on the basis of their own needs and wishes. There's nothing more I can do and I'm not going to push the issue, just play things by ear and listen to my intuition.


The sun is shining, the frost has more or less disappeared now and a light mist is developing on the reserve on the other side of the canal. Today will be a busy day, filled with optimism and renewal in the knowledge that things can only get better from now on.

Keep well.

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Fractals on Friday

Todays fractals were an attempt to find a bit of peace and quiet amidst the riot of colour and form I usually tend te generate.


Quietness is probably the most precious commodity I could posess at the moment, a lot of progress is being made in separating event and emotion, being able to review the situation at hand without it triggering an immediate response.


My life continues in cycles, the new one rebuilding and reinforcing the previous one and now that spring is well and truly upon us there's a sense of relief and renewal building up in my mind and my body.


Keep well...

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Fractals on Friday

A rather sad lack of inspiration today so I'll just continue on a familiar theme. I'm so glad the programme I use allows me to save the parameters used, so I can retrieve them at a later time and rework the images in different ways.


Since I've come back home last Monday, the sniping and the tension has begun again. I'm pretty well able to handle the situations as they arise at the moment, but from experience I know that my defences will be whittled down, quietly and effectively, over time. With any amount of luck, there will be a court ruling within a month to pronounce a divorce, after which I've requested that my soon-to-be-ex-partner leave the house within a month to preserve both the mental and physical integrity of most of the inhabitants here.


I'd just like to thank each and every one of you who have commented and sent messages of encouragement by email, they have been gratefully received and have provided me with a source of strength at the moments I've needed them most. I'll be writing more fully and in more detail shortly, once my mental chaos has subsided for this sequence.


Its been a long and tiring couple of weeks, today being no exception unfortunately. Tommorow sees me armed with a camera and hopefully a good mood to do the photography at the National Rhönrad Championships, in which Katie will be participating again after qualifying last January. She's in good form, has built up a good level of self-esteem in the meantime and is ready to take on the competition.


Take a look at the photo's I made last year. Here's me hoping to do an even better job tomorrow. Keep well...

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