Today's the day I've been working toward for several months now. In a few hours I'll be running my first 5km race in what will hopefully be the completion of the next stage of my recovery.
Some months ago the addiction centre offered me the possibility to participate in a running therapy group, a fairly new approach to controlling addiction issues by combining substantial physical activity, psychological exercises and applied goal setting. Most of the lessons are geared toward building up fitness and improving technique, but woven through each session is a little practical insight about how we apply ourselves to solving problems, recognising limits and building up self-esteem.
I've set a couple of modest goals for myself for today, and although I'm feeling a little out of sorts this morning due to having slept badly I'm reasonably confident of a good show.
In the process running up to a divorce, there's a lot of tidying up to be done. This is a fairly ongoing issue on the household front with a house full of children, but for me in an emotional and spritual way there is a lot of cleaning up to be done as well.
As I've written before, part of the healing process is that of "cleaning out the closet", both in a literal and metaphorical way. A cluttered house is an indication of cluttered minds and an inability to discern primary from secondary issues. Part of the healing comes from both keeping my living environment tidy and clean, another is by sorting out priorities and dealing with issues which I come across on a daily basis, in an effective way.
I'm a person who needs a lot of space. In a physical way, I sincerely dislike a close and filled environment, mentally I need the space to let my thoughts roam and explore new ideas and possibilities, spiritually I need fresh air and light in order to be able to survive. I ignored these necessities for so many years, preferring to let myself drift along in a casually self-serving way but finally got stuck when I found that a barrier was reached which wouldn't go away unless something actively was done.
Changes are difficult things. Throwing off the shackles of complacency is probably one of the hardest things I've needed to do in my life up to now. The girls were glad I'd finally pulled myself together, being very supportive and cooperative in rebuilding healthy relationships. My soon to be ex-partner started crying "foul" when I indicated that there were changes necessary in both my life and the household circumstances in which we lived if I was going to prevent a relapse into addictive behaviour. This hasn't changed unfortunately and finally indicated for me that a separation would be the only realistic option if we were going to continue our lives in a meaningful way.
Changes hurt. Cleaning out the closet hurts too because so many things carry memories and feelings of attachment in some way. One by one the items and issues are taken into consideration, one by one I redefine and reevaluate the worth assigned to them and see if there's still a place for them in the changing circumstances in which we live. I sometimes need to discard things of value which have nevertheless outlived their purpose or throw up more difficulties than practically desireable.
In the end though, I find that life is becoming more comprehensible and transparent now that the clutter is dimishing. There's a feeling of freedom I've missed out on for so many years, the progress made is very real for me now. Today's a new day, today's a new start. Time to get the show moving.
Feeling tired but happy this morning. My body hurts, but in a good way after an intensive training yesterday evening. I need to rebuild my physical condition, which I've let slip a little during the summer break. I had difficulty with some of the exercises yesterday, which I'd perform with the greatest of ease three months ago so I guess there's a lot to be done in the coming months running up to the next competition in November.
I'm sleeping better now and having less difficulty shedding the after-effects of a busy day. I can finally fall asleep easier, not be disturbed during most of the night and wake up in a quiet, natural way instead of being jolted awake by a sudden thought or an image in my dream that reminds me of something I'd done or should have been doing. I'm thankful that I can now wake up feeling calm and rested, without the feelings of apprehension I'd had in the past.
Life is gradually going back to a normal, more manageable state. The girls are back at school after eight weeks of holidays, a consistent daily and weekly routine has set in, which works well for all of us. My youngest has just started secondary school, with all the attendant fuss, bother and outbursts of emotion occasionally but she seems to be weathering the changes well. My middle daughter has taken a couple of changes on board as well, she has taken on the subjects now she'll need to do for her final exams in May 2010 but still doesn't have any idea about what she'll be wanting to do afterwards. No matter, I didn't know myself until I was 25 en even now, at almost twice that age, I'm looking at possibilities for a career change. I'll attend to that when all the present nonsense has been dealt with and I'm back into quieter waters.
My eldest, after a year of muddling around, dropping school last year and doing some casual work here and there, is returning to school too. Apparently more motivated than before, very keen at the moment and I sincerely hope she'll keep up the momentum. The problem usually arises when she hits some kind of wall somewhere, and then wants to give up so I'm looking quietly for some ways in which she can be coached effectively in several different ways in her life and let her get her own act together. Difficult stuff, many mistakes have been made but at least there's a clear sense of direction now (finally).
In the end, everything works out in the way it should even though it mightn't be in the way I/we had expected or needed. Going with the flow but actively involved in creating our own daily destinies.
I still need to find ways to control my anger. Despite the extraordinary amount of self-control I unexpectedly seem to have found recently, there's still a simmering rage in the darker corners of my life which need to be needs to be dealt with in a meaningful way.
A total removal of the problem, ahead of a divorce, isn't a practical option at the moment, so I need to find ways to deal with my negative emotions and especially the tiredness that comes with continually keeping myself in check.
In many ways my life seems to be progressing well. I've redeveloped a healthy relationship with my daughters, have managed to get some serious and longer running issues under control, and have found appropriate ways to deal with others. Yet, in the background the little voices which urge me to get even, behave vindictively and be throughly nasty so as to get my own back are niggling away at me, leaving me less than happy with myself because refuse to tolerate such behaviour from anybody, especially myself.
The next part of my life will probably be focussing on anger management, assertiveness and meditational techniques to encourage mental quietness. I've put these off for some time since other, more pressing issues needed attending to. All in all, I've got a lot of my life under reasonable control by now and although there's still a lifetime's work still needing to be done, I can be thankful for much progress made since the beginning of this year.
Time to move on. Resources to be read, action to be taken, negative emotions to be neutralised as quickly as possible. It takes time and patience, and although I'm exasperated with myself occasionally, by keeping the (still somewhat undefined) goals I set myself in mind, the plodding on continues.
Two weeks ago I wrote a post about Castlefest where I'd been to with the girls during the long weekend of August 1st, 2nd and 3rd. In the meantime I've been doing a lot of editing and reworking of photos, creating a selection which gives a good impression of the weekends activities. Click here to go to Castlefest.
Many excellent costumes were on show, as usual, and there were a couple of interesting surprises yet again.
Gracefulness in form and movement (image taken from a longer sequence) on a warm Saturday afternoon...
At moments I surprised myself though, some moments and scenes which were shot had a particular quality that transcended the moment and with which I was particularly pleased.
The music was amazing. A delightful combination of Celtic, Eastern European and folk music covered most of the grounds and added an extra ambience to the whole gathering, which incidentally was completely sold out on Saturday for the first time in the four year history of the gathering.
On Tom's 65th birthday, he got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the shaman, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will be longer and harder than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
He was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'", the shaman responded. "But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was eager to see if it worked. He went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited Cara to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3"! Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
Cara was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for"?
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.
The Olympic Games have begun, in a blaze of fireworks and well-orchestrated media attention. An esthetically beautiful yet ethically reprehensible moment in world history, when human rights and social justice are being trampled upon with the greatest of ease in full sight of the world.
Another time, another place, "the greatest games ever" of their day were held, until the nature of the monster that had been unleashed became apparent.
The media are told what to say, the people are told what to think, the world at large is fooled into complacency since events are unfolding far from their doorsteps and no immediate danger is preceived.
A nascent superpower displays its greatness on stage for all the world to see, yet the tragedies being acted out in the wings are barely noticed or conveniently ignored. The lessons of history teach us that we do so at our own peril.
A monument in Amsterdam serves as a timely warning...
those who bow to tyrants will lose more than lives and possessions, the light will be extinguished...
... for the longer we wait, remain unable or unwilling to act, the greater the suffering will be at the hands of those blinded by economic and military might. Civil liberties are quietly and slowly being eroded, generations and peoples are discarded on the scrapheaps of history in an offhand way when their use as economic fodder is over, human dignity becomes the plaything of the happy few who have usurped the roles of leadership.
The games have started already. Many multinational companies are complicit in the deception and the whittling away of human values so as to gain access to new and emerging markets, many governments look toward the economic benefits but fail to realise the larger, longer term implications of their short term gains.
I wish the athletes all the best of sporting achievement possible, that human endeavour will rise above the political and economic cesspools of our era and that they may excell in the true spirit of the Olympics.
A nice surprise this morning, a channel with some unusual detail which I liked very much. I think the pastel colours suit my mood at the moment, they're soothing and quiet. Click on the images for an enlargement)
As the divorce proceeds, I see the best and the worst in both of us becoming more visible with the day. For my own part I've been learning about priorities and getting my own house in order. In all senses really, financially, physically, mentally and emotionally. In many ways it's also good for me, a total shakedown to shed a lot of the crap I've taken on board across the years.
One down side is that I'm still letting myself be dragged down to childish and manipulative behaviour, something I've managed to resist for most of my life but now the going's a little rougher I'm having some difficulty maintaining the ethical level I demand of myself. Moments of spitefulness which I sincerely regret afterwards, moments of weakness or inability to react effectively which are subsequently delightfully exploited, manipulation of situations and people in ways I can't condone afterwards leave me wondering about myself and my motives, as if a dark part of me is stirring now the opportunity is available.
I have many bridges to mend. Some have been repaired well, others are in progress and yet others again, which I've only just become aware of, need to be attended to. The most important at the moment is to address several longer running and very serious issues between the two eldest children which is being egged on by my partner so as to isolate and exclude the "difficult" child. There have been many discussions by now, lengthy and uncomfortable at times and although I've regained much of the trust I'd forfeited in the past, I see that the situation is very unstable and can blow up at a moments notice given the right (wrong) circumstances.
I'll be off again next week, the second half of my "holiday". Two of the girls have their birthday next week (Monday and Saturday) and hopefully I'll be able to leave them with a moment in which they felt happy and validated for a while. They deserve it, they need it and I'll do all I can to make the day(s) for them as happy as possible.
I've had an excellent weekend, finally managing to free my mind up for a while by doing something I enjoy tremendously and do well. Many photos were made at Castlefest (yet another middle age/gothic/pagan/celtic/whatever gathering), with some excellent results amongst them which hopefully will be published in the near future.
A friend made a couple of photos of me though. Usually, because I'm hiding behind my camera I don't have any photos of myself whatsoever. A little self-profiling is in order, methinks...
Perhaps I shouldn't go hiding so much though. (Just one of those strange thoughts that crossed my mind during the weekend).
An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot wasperfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. 'I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house.'
The old woman smiled, 'Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them.' 'For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this Beauty to grace the house.'
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
