The main areas of concern and attention right now are how to contain the bitterness and ill-feeling, and looking toward the welfare of the girls. This isn't their fault, yet they need to be heard and considered in a gracious, supportive way. I'm bending myself over backwards to make sure they aren't suffering from their parents inadequacies but still feel guilty for the moments I lose out to the hurt I feel.
To be perfectly honest, I've been through most of the stages of bereavement by now, I've mentally withdrawn myself from a hopeless relationship for some time although I'd still had a glimmer of hope up to last January that things would get better. I've impoved myself, turned my world upside down in an effort to get my own performance up to an acceptable level but realised at a certain point that I couldn't carry this relationship on my own without subsiding totally. I was neither prepared nor able to take on the "business as usual" mode after my return from treatment last January and have met only hostility and obstruction since then. The message was crystal clear, the time to take action had come otherwise we'd still be delightfully unhappy with each other in twenty years time to nobody's benefit.
I'm getting myself into a better perspective, yet need to understand my emotions and reactions better than I've been doing recently. I've been doing a lot of reading but still feel trapped and bogged down. Perhaps it's just a question of time, until the fog lifts and the tiredness dissolves. Time heals all wounds, but right now they're hurting like hell.