Of course, being aware of the problems and the ways in which you could be snagged could help...
Keep well...
---------------
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Objectivity and little intelligence can help
Aren't social attitudes just fun sometimes?
Of course, being aware of the problems and the ways in which you could be snagged could help...
Keep well...
---------------
Of course, being aware of the problems and the ways in which you could be snagged could help...
Keep well...
---------------
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Who are you?
Recognition is one of the most basic necessities of being human. Practically all of us participate in varying social groups, families, work places, places of recreation or even when just together in a train on your way to wherever.
People need to be noticed, to be seen as valid participants in society, to be needed by somebody else in meaningful ways. People need to be seen and feel valued, not just noticed in a distracted way, in passing glances whilst we whizz along doing the things we find important.
Loneliness is one of the most serious and underrated afflictions in our society... all too often we have no idea of the people who live around us and all too often even less interest in attempting a small but meaningful one-to-one interaction.
This clinic has helped me focus on this issue. We're all in this together here, in a small, closed community in which we need to act and interact with each other. Many have been temporarily derailed by personal circumstance, some are shedding the inheritance of a previous lifestyle, some are damaged and lonely souls who have lost their way in a world they barely understand, let alone participate in in any meaningful way.
A friendly word, helping with a chore you see someone is having difficulty with, a well-meant smile or a quiet joke can make such a difference for someone battling with isolation, their own place in a new social setting, a seemingly hostile world.
It's so easy, it costs nothing besides a moment of connection and little effort, but carries such an enormous value. Just by noticing someone and letting them feel important for a moment is probably the greatest gift of all.
Keep well...
---------------
People need to be noticed, to be seen as valid participants in society, to be needed by somebody else in meaningful ways. People need to be seen and feel valued, not just noticed in a distracted way, in passing glances whilst we whizz along doing the things we find important.
Loneliness is one of the most serious and underrated afflictions in our society... all too often we have no idea of the people who live around us and all too often even less interest in attempting a small but meaningful one-to-one interaction.
This clinic has helped me focus on this issue. We're all in this together here, in a small, closed community in which we need to act and interact with each other. Many have been temporarily derailed by personal circumstance, some are shedding the inheritance of a previous lifestyle, some are damaged and lonely souls who have lost their way in a world they barely understand, let alone participate in in any meaningful way.
A friendly word, helping with a chore you see someone is having difficulty with, a well-meant smile or a quiet joke can make such a difference for someone battling with isolation, their own place in a new social setting, a seemingly hostile world.
It's so easy, it costs nothing besides a moment of connection and little effort, but carries such an enormous value. Just by noticing someone and letting them feel important for a moment is probably the greatest gift of all.
Keep well...
---------------
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Look, listen and learn
It's been a bit of a strange night here... I managed to sleep well but woke up occasionally to hear the shuffling of some of the patients in the corridor who were unable to find any kind of rest.
Detoxification can be an extemely painful process, even with the prescribed medication and substitutes. I found one of the guys from our unit half asleep on the couch in the living room this morning... he'd barely slept at all last night, his body hurts like hell and the cravings for the cocaine he regularly needed were driving him nuts. We've been talking for a while, the night staff have taken care of him now but he'll need to be looked after by a qualified doctor later this morning.
One of the things that made me really sad is the fact that many of the people staying here started their substance abuse habits at a very early age, two as early as 14 years olds. One woman, now 30, told me of how she started her drug abuse as a teenager and how she effectively lost control of most of her teenage years in the euphoria and rushes she came to depend upon. In a period that young people learn the most important socialisation skills they'll need for the rest of their lives, some drift away as hope fades and they sink into a deeper and deadlier usage pattern that leads to dependence, physical and mental abuse, isolation and criminality.
The habit starts out as fun, just having a good time and enjoying the rush of coke, speed or whatever. The party is over when the funds dry up and one searches for alternatives. In the end you will sell anything and everything you can get your hands on, up to and including your body, your integrity and your sense of self-esteem. Most people here are at rock bottom, they've lost their homes, their friends and their self-respect. Some have had suicidal episodes, many have descended into a semi-apathetic dependence upon a staff who do as much as they can, as well as they can. For some it is too late, some of the patients have descended so far they have become "revolving door" clients, reappearing several times each year for treatment and temporary healing but unable to break with their habits and their pasts.
Look around you, wherever you live, and look closely at those who live around you. The problems is much closer at hand than you might dare imagine. Look to your children, pick up on the often unconscious signs they give when they need attention and need to be heard, let them know that they're not alone and whatever else you do, don't judge. People who feel they have failed deeply don't need the extra knife twisted to remind them of their perceived worthlessness.
We have a duty, if only to listen and be sympathetic. We owe it to those around us, we owe it to ourselves.
Look, listen and learn. You won't regret it.
Keep well...
---------------
Detoxification can be an extemely painful process, even with the prescribed medication and substitutes. I found one of the guys from our unit half asleep on the couch in the living room this morning... he'd barely slept at all last night, his body hurts like hell and the cravings for the cocaine he regularly needed were driving him nuts. We've been talking for a while, the night staff have taken care of him now but he'll need to be looked after by a qualified doctor later this morning.
One of the things that made me really sad is the fact that many of the people staying here started their substance abuse habits at a very early age, two as early as 14 years olds. One woman, now 30, told me of how she started her drug abuse as a teenager and how she effectively lost control of most of her teenage years in the euphoria and rushes she came to depend upon. In a period that young people learn the most important socialisation skills they'll need for the rest of their lives, some drift away as hope fades and they sink into a deeper and deadlier usage pattern that leads to dependence, physical and mental abuse, isolation and criminality.
The habit starts out as fun, just having a good time and enjoying the rush of coke, speed or whatever. The party is over when the funds dry up and one searches for alternatives. In the end you will sell anything and everything you can get your hands on, up to and including your body, your integrity and your sense of self-esteem. Most people here are at rock bottom, they've lost their homes, their friends and their self-respect. Some have had suicidal episodes, many have descended into a semi-apathetic dependence upon a staff who do as much as they can, as well as they can. For some it is too late, some of the patients have descended so far they have become "revolving door" clients, reappearing several times each year for treatment and temporary healing but unable to break with their habits and their pasts.
Look around you, wherever you live, and look closely at those who live around you. The problems is much closer at hand than you might dare imagine. Look to your children, pick up on the often unconscious signs they give when they need attention and need to be heard, let them know that they're not alone and whatever else you do, don't judge. People who feel they have failed deeply don't need the extra knife twisted to remind them of their perceived worthlessness.
We have a duty, if only to listen and be sympathetic. We owe it to those around us, we owe it to ourselves.
Look, listen and learn. You won't regret it.
Keep well...
---------------
Monday, January 28, 2008
The future starts now
It's still early in the morning as I write. I can hear the staff preparing for the coming day, the people from the night shift discussing the nocturnal events and the first restless patients are appearing in the corridors.
In so many ways I think I've been so incredibly lucky here, my detoxification programme has been completed without all that many complications, I'm feeling a lot fitter, both mentally and physically. Others haven't been so lucky unfortunately. One man, several years younger than myself and who has been a heroine addict for most of his life, was admitted on Thursday but after a promising start here he was rushed to hospital in a critical state when the withdrawal symptoms reached a life-threatening state.
It never ceases to amaze me how each and every one of us seem to develop habits which limit or destroy potential in the course of time. You can probably find enough examples in your own life, one of mine is the chronic lack of self-esteem which has negated most of the possibilities I have had in my life up to now. Feelings of worthlessness, together with the almost impossible goals I set myself at times, undermine almost any activity I undertake and leave me with guilty feelings of what might have been, what should have been done and despising myself for not having had the courage to break the circle of inertia which has terrorised most of my life.
The safe place in which I'm in now, where there are professionals at hand to aid and guide the patients in physical, psychological and social ways, is also a place where I'm finally able to sort out my own mind, identify priorities, re-examine the givens which aren't as self-evident as I'd assumed and find ways of taking action to re-establish myself in a society which can be brutally unforgiving for those who lack the appropriate survival skills.
Much has been done up to now, even more needs to be done. The past is past, the lessons have been learned, the future lies ahead and holds many promises which still need to come into being but the moment of action is now. This moment is taken to start on my future, this day is the start of a resurrection in the same way tomorrow and the day after also will be.
The future starts now. Take the initiative and keep your hopes alive for in the end you will need to live your own life to the fullest, because nobody else will do it for you.
Keep well...
---------------
In so many ways I think I've been so incredibly lucky here, my detoxification programme has been completed without all that many complications, I'm feeling a lot fitter, both mentally and physically. Others haven't been so lucky unfortunately. One man, several years younger than myself and who has been a heroine addict for most of his life, was admitted on Thursday but after a promising start here he was rushed to hospital in a critical state when the withdrawal symptoms reached a life-threatening state.
It never ceases to amaze me how each and every one of us seem to develop habits which limit or destroy potential in the course of time. You can probably find enough examples in your own life, one of mine is the chronic lack of self-esteem which has negated most of the possibilities I have had in my life up to now. Feelings of worthlessness, together with the almost impossible goals I set myself at times, undermine almost any activity I undertake and leave me with guilty feelings of what might have been, what should have been done and despising myself for not having had the courage to break the circle of inertia which has terrorised most of my life.
The safe place in which I'm in now, where there are professionals at hand to aid and guide the patients in physical, psychological and social ways, is also a place where I'm finally able to sort out my own mind, identify priorities, re-examine the givens which aren't as self-evident as I'd assumed and find ways of taking action to re-establish myself in a society which can be brutally unforgiving for those who lack the appropriate survival skills.
Much has been done up to now, even more needs to be done. The past is past, the lessons have been learned, the future lies ahead and holds many promises which still need to come into being but the moment of action is now. This moment is taken to start on my future, this day is the start of a resurrection in the same way tomorrow and the day after also will be.
The future starts now. Take the initiative and keep your hopes alive for in the end you will need to live your own life to the fullest, because nobody else will do it for you.
Keep well...
---------------
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Isolation
Isolation does strange things to people. At the moment, here in the clinic, we've been isolated from society for a special reason and in an odd way we all have a bond with each other... we're here to get better and get our lives back on track so that the future will take on an improved meaning compared to the lives we've left behind us.
As I wrote a couple of days ago, there are a good number of sad cases who have been admitted, with histories of abuse stretching back for years and some who havae suffered numerous relapses. Many are physically damaged, with severe motoric and mental disorders, others are psychologically disorientated, unable to find a safe place for themselves within a social group and others are so socially handicapped they need special treatment and are usually transferred to a separate unit.
For many of the patients the isolation began long before they were admitted and much of their addiction problems are attributable to the loneliness and feelings of emptiness in a society they felt they played no meaningful part in. Others entered into dysfunctional relationships, clamping onto anybody and everybody who was willing to give them the attention and substances they needed. One or two whom I've spoken with in the course of the week have a history of abuse, some from as early as childhood, some damaged by partners and other important people in their lives and having felt so let down by the people they trusted and needed, that feelings of self-esteem and personal worth have been destroyed.
A society is a collection of totally different individuals who all have their own needs and who all contain their own potential, different to our own though they might be. A society that functions well is a society in which each and every member can feel safe, respected and valued on his/her own terms and not on the terms dictated by those who hold the reigns of power in the local community.
In a way it's a disgrace that all sorts of rehabilitation, correction and resocialisation units need to exist to heal those who are unable to function effectively under the rules dictated by an indifferent society. Addiction is not a choice one makes consciously, it's one that grows and festers as one grows increasingly lonely and unable to cope with the pressures of daily life.
My eyes have been opened since I've been here. There is so much work still to be done on my part, trying to identify the right questions and initially finding the right answers for myself. Once I've been able to do that, I can hopefully project the results on a wider basis in my immediate, local community. It's going to be a long and difficult journey, but one I feel obliged to take when I realise that we're all in this society together, what affects one individual affects the group as a whole and if we can help the individual to reclaim his/her own rightful place in their group we all benefit eventually.
Keep well and keep your eyes, ears and hearts open for those around you who are in need... in the end we're all winners if we try hard enough.
---------------
As I wrote a couple of days ago, there are a good number of sad cases who have been admitted, with histories of abuse stretching back for years and some who havae suffered numerous relapses. Many are physically damaged, with severe motoric and mental disorders, others are psychologically disorientated, unable to find a safe place for themselves within a social group and others are so socially handicapped they need special treatment and are usually transferred to a separate unit.
For many of the patients the isolation began long before they were admitted and much of their addiction problems are attributable to the loneliness and feelings of emptiness in a society they felt they played no meaningful part in. Others entered into dysfunctional relationships, clamping onto anybody and everybody who was willing to give them the attention and substances they needed. One or two whom I've spoken with in the course of the week have a history of abuse, some from as early as childhood, some damaged by partners and other important people in their lives and having felt so let down by the people they trusted and needed, that feelings of self-esteem and personal worth have been destroyed.
A society is a collection of totally different individuals who all have their own needs and who all contain their own potential, different to our own though they might be. A society that functions well is a society in which each and every member can feel safe, respected and valued on his/her own terms and not on the terms dictated by those who hold the reigns of power in the local community.
In a way it's a disgrace that all sorts of rehabilitation, correction and resocialisation units need to exist to heal those who are unable to function effectively under the rules dictated by an indifferent society. Addiction is not a choice one makes consciously, it's one that grows and festers as one grows increasingly lonely and unable to cope with the pressures of daily life.
My eyes have been opened since I've been here. There is so much work still to be done on my part, trying to identify the right questions and initially finding the right answers for myself. Once I've been able to do that, I can hopefully project the results on a wider basis in my immediate, local community. It's going to be a long and difficult journey, but one I feel obliged to take when I realise that we're all in this society together, what affects one individual affects the group as a whole and if we can help the individual to reclaim his/her own rightful place in their group we all benefit eventually.
Keep well and keep your eyes, ears and hearts open for those around you who are in need... in the end we're all winners if we try hard enough.
---------------
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Looking back and moving on
I'm very grateful for the insightful and personal comments left on several previous posts, they have been of immense help for me and I hope they can also be of use for the passers-by who read and move on. Part of my mission at the moment is raising the public perceptions on addiction issues, another more long-going issue on which I write more frequently is the way individuals perceive themselves in a world that can be both frightening and confusing at moments.
The Christmas vacation was a breaking point for me after a number of turbulent months at home. There were serious issues going on, relationship troubles between various members of the family and others who were suffering from the fallout. There was no way out because even if the will was present, the situation at hand had frozen intentions and attitudes and despite whatever actions any of us tried to take the net result was as close to zero as possible. There was only one way out as far as I could see, and that I would have to take one of the most drastic actions of my life in the hope that I could force some kind of solution. I needed help, my partner needs help and my children are in desperate need of attention by psychological professionals.
In the end, the only solution I could find was to forcibly remove myself from the battlefield for a while, to get my own problems sorted out as thoroughly as possible so I could start what I hope will be a healing process for my own family. The girls understand what I'm doing and appreciate my doing so in a quietly acceptive way, my partner is having difficulty with my change in attitude but that's also not surprising since we've had enormous difficulties for a very long time.
The physical separation is beneficial for my part in that I can breathe freely and think without the clouds of emotion blurring my self-analysis. I've been here in this clinic for just over a week, I'll be staying here for another two weeks but the time needs to be spent wisely, I need to work quickly and I need to work on a lot of social skills I've either forgotten or never learned in the first place.
I'm extremely thankful for Lori's comment which crystallised much of what has been happening in my life... I've been paying too much attention to what I thought people were thinking about me instead of just getting on with my life and letting people think what they like. Without going into the subject too deeply, I could say that communicating with the people around us is a two-way street. People have a responsibility for what they say or do, in accordance with their own characters and personal fields of experience but by the same token the person who receives a message or perceives some sort of communication also has a responsibility to examine and use the information provided by the other, also using the skills they have at their disposal but also depending on their own personal mindset which might be dislocated or not in myriad ways.
This, to my mind, is the basis for a wholesome and loving community... one in which the individual can do and say as they wish, whilst respecting the integrity of those around them but also one in which the individual needn't feel intimidated by misunderstandings or by being misunderstood. If one is able to feel safe and comfortable in one's surroundings, only then can that person become the individual he or she was intended to be.
For me, now, the three key words are Stop, Listen and Learn. In the meantime, the battle with myself continues and I'll keep you posted, circumstances permitting.
Keep well, be yourselves and be true to your ideals.
---------------
The Christmas vacation was a breaking point for me after a number of turbulent months at home. There were serious issues going on, relationship troubles between various members of the family and others who were suffering from the fallout. There was no way out because even if the will was present, the situation at hand had frozen intentions and attitudes and despite whatever actions any of us tried to take the net result was as close to zero as possible. There was only one way out as far as I could see, and that I would have to take one of the most drastic actions of my life in the hope that I could force some kind of solution. I needed help, my partner needs help and my children are in desperate need of attention by psychological professionals.
In the end, the only solution I could find was to forcibly remove myself from the battlefield for a while, to get my own problems sorted out as thoroughly as possible so I could start what I hope will be a healing process for my own family. The girls understand what I'm doing and appreciate my doing so in a quietly acceptive way, my partner is having difficulty with my change in attitude but that's also not surprising since we've had enormous difficulties for a very long time.
The physical separation is beneficial for my part in that I can breathe freely and think without the clouds of emotion blurring my self-analysis. I've been here in this clinic for just over a week, I'll be staying here for another two weeks but the time needs to be spent wisely, I need to work quickly and I need to work on a lot of social skills I've either forgotten or never learned in the first place.
I'm extremely thankful for Lori's comment which crystallised much of what has been happening in my life... I've been paying too much attention to what I thought people were thinking about me instead of just getting on with my life and letting people think what they like. Without going into the subject too deeply, I could say that communicating with the people around us is a two-way street. People have a responsibility for what they say or do, in accordance with their own characters and personal fields of experience but by the same token the person who receives a message or perceives some sort of communication also has a responsibility to examine and use the information provided by the other, also using the skills they have at their disposal but also depending on their own personal mindset which might be dislocated or not in myriad ways.
This, to my mind, is the basis for a wholesome and loving community... one in which the individual can do and say as they wish, whilst respecting the integrity of those around them but also one in which the individual needn't feel intimidated by misunderstandings or by being misunderstood. If one is able to feel safe and comfortable in one's surroundings, only then can that person become the individual he or she was intended to be.
For me, now, the three key words are Stop, Listen and Learn. In the meantime, the battle with myself continues and I'll keep you posted, circumstances permitting.
Keep well, be yourselves and be true to your ideals.
---------------
Friday, January 25, 2008
The Onion Principle
Day by day and moment by moment the masks I wear are being peeled away like the skins of an onion. And in the same way the onion annoys and prickles the senses, the shedding of the skins I've acquired in the course of my live is becoming a painful and hurtful process.
I'm learning to look inward again, I once again have demanded the introspection of myself, perhaps not such a wise move at this time in my life but I need to move on and deal with some serious demons in my life. All the patients receive a workbook in which a large range of issues are itemised and which we're all expected to work at during our stay here. Some are directly related to addiction issues, how we see our individual problems, balancing the pros and cons of our use and abuse of substances and making up the balance afterward. Other topics are related to how we're going to work on our resocialisation after we leave, how we can address the temptations and cravings we undoubtably will find in the big bad world outside. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are topics which relate to social skills and the ways in which we can conduct ourselfs in society in a dignified manner, being assertive enough to stand up for the issues we believe in and sticking to them.
Yesterday I started in earnest to get started, setting out the framework of how I was planning to get myself back into a "normal" state of mind and heal as much of the damage to myself and my family as possible.
It's a hurtful process, and it's going to get worse. I see serious issues appearing on the horizon which need examination and I'm not looking forward to doing so. One day I will be able to look at myself and see that the masks I've taken on are just illusions of what I would like to have been, the sad facades which I needed to protect myself from a perceived hostile world. Once I can see the perceptions themselves to be illusory I can start moving forward again.
The masks are going down, the rest follows... keep well...
---------------
I'm learning to look inward again, I once again have demanded the introspection of myself, perhaps not such a wise move at this time in my life but I need to move on and deal with some serious demons in my life. All the patients receive a workbook in which a large range of issues are itemised and which we're all expected to work at during our stay here. Some are directly related to addiction issues, how we see our individual problems, balancing the pros and cons of our use and abuse of substances and making up the balance afterward. Other topics are related to how we're going to work on our resocialisation after we leave, how we can address the temptations and cravings we undoubtably will find in the big bad world outside. Also, and perhaps most importantly, there are topics which relate to social skills and the ways in which we can conduct ourselfs in society in a dignified manner, being assertive enough to stand up for the issues we believe in and sticking to them.
Yesterday I started in earnest to get started, setting out the framework of how I was planning to get myself back into a "normal" state of mind and heal as much of the damage to myself and my family as possible.
It's a hurtful process, and it's going to get worse. I see serious issues appearing on the horizon which need examination and I'm not looking forward to doing so. One day I will be able to look at myself and see that the masks I've taken on are just illusions of what I would like to have been, the sad facades which I needed to protect myself from a perceived hostile world. Once I can see the perceptions themselves to be illusory I can start moving forward again.
The masks are going down, the rest follows... keep well...
---------------
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Damn...
For whatever reason Blogger refuses to publish my posts.
Trying to fix things... will be back... keep well
---------------
Trying to fix things... will be back... keep well
---------------
Excursions inwards
It's early in the morning, I've managed to sleep well and yet I'm still feeling so tired. The last day or two have been overshadowed by a feeling of somberness and illease, almost as if my body and my mind are at odds with each other and each is claiming a different form of attention.
The daily routine is fairly predictable here now... daily chores, fixed mealtimes, fixed times for discussions and outside activities and enough time in between for personal activities... to talk with fellow patients, read, write or do some sport.
I've been pretty active these last couple of days, there's a small sports room in which I can do my exercises, which I've neglected for a couple of months now while I was sinking into a state of dependant behaviour. By the time November had arrived I'd been having more and more difficulty getting my daily routine in order, I'd be going far too late to bed (often past midnight), waking up early to get myself prepared to go to work (between 5 and 5.30 a.m.) and usually spent most of the intervening time trying to tidy up the mess in the house left behind after the evening hours or trying to find some sort of order in the work I was supposed to be doing.
I'd been neglecting myself badly, was feeling like shit, my family members were having more and more problems with my attitude and the inertia I was exuding constantly. I feel sorry for them, I had become a burden for them and a burden for myself. When I finally took the step to come here to the clinic it was almost with a sigh of relief that I might be able to get some "fresh air", get some kind of healthy routine into my life and rediscover the self-respect I'd thrown into the wind long ago.
It's a good place here, comforting but awfully noisy at moments. There is almost no place where I can just sit and write in peace, where there are no televisions, no loud conversations, no activity in the hustle and bustle of the houshold activities of the staff. I know it sounds selfish but I need absolute quiet in able to be able to concentrate, to identify and neutralise the turmoil in my head, to get the poison of my negative thought patterns out of my head so that the healing can begin. I can do it here, albeit so very early in the morning when nobody else has claim to the computer. I already had one altercation yesterday when a number of people commented on the fact that I was taking up far too much time on the computer which was fair enough I guess, I just needed a way of expression at that moment because I was feeling really bad and this was the only way I could do it.
So now, it's just gone 6.30 a.m. and I'm rambling and raving, digitally jotting down the the fragments of the strange new life I'm leading at the moment. Perhaps this is also one of my addictions, I need to record the little bits of action or lack of it here, shards of imagination and insight that crop up in the course of the day and make a note of the happenings in our unit.
All things told, it's pleasant unit to be in. Although we all have serious problems, we are still relatively mild cases compared to other units. Most have alcohol problems, several have a history of cocaine abuse and two are suffering from heroine withdrawal. The doctors, nurses and councillers are excellent and very realistic in their approach, everything that is being done or is to be done is explained in detail and we're always welcome to come and discuss our problems at any moment, even in the middle of the night if necessary.
Some of the patients suffer from diagnosed psychlogical disorders, somethings things are done or said which can be perceived to be hurtful or distressing. In our unit we've made a rule that we should discuss any and every problem with each other as soon as possible, as personally and as helpfully as possible in a way in which we can rule out any misunderstandings, that the tensions can be defused as quickly as possible, not leaving them to simmer and disturb the already fragile balance in a group of damaged personalities.
A social group is a fluid entity, so many different individuals with varying interests and needs, and sometimes these needs collide with each other, causing tension. Which needs and wishes are important, which ones should prevail and which ones are worthy of further investigation by the group and the individual involved. No matter what happens, there needs to be a form of consensus in the group in almost all cases an open dialogue can take away most of the tension which arises when people aren't able or willing to accept anothers point of view.
We had an intensive session with one of the councillers yesterday about ways in which we could express our irritations, the ways in which we could indicate what was bothering us and the ways in which we could do so, so that the other party wouldn't feel intimidated or angry. The greater part of the message was that we would let the other person know that we weren't angry or annoyed by them, but by something he or she had done which was found to be irritating. It's a difficult exercise since the two factors seem to be twisted up within each other and we have difficulty seperating them.
Secondly, we had a session about the giving and receiving of compliments, the ways in which they could be given but also how they could be accepted gracefully and in a way that both the giver and receiver felt gratified that they had accorded a measure of importance to each other and let each other feel good for a moment.
I'm being brutally honest here. My primary forms of contact who can really empathise with my way of thinking, who can unerstand the existential crisis I've been going through for years, are scattered far and wide across our planet. Some people I've never met, others I've had the good fortune to have met at some time but all have become such dear friends that I feel almost totally dislocated if I'm unable to maintain contact by email or through my blog. Call this my addicition and perhaps I spend too much time thumping away at a computer but for me this has become my for intellectual and emotional survival in a world where neighbours hardly understand or even care about each other nowadays.
Ever since I was a child I have had a desperate need to be understood in a perceived hostile world around me, trying as best I can to survive the barrage of images and impulses of daily life, trying to salvage my psyche which was becoming more and more damaged in the course of the years, attempting to deflect the slings and arrows of an existence I was barely able to comprehend.
Too often, life just hurts so badly and at moments the very fact that I exist becomes unbearable, I feel as if I have become a burden for myself and the world around me in which non-conformity and an inability to participate is effectively punished by varying forms of exclusion, varying from the subtle to the indifferently callous.
I feel safe here, despite the inevitable undercurrents of personal interaction because there is a willingess and the need to cooperate so that the healing can begin. We all need to work together to repair the damage done, on the small scale of a unit of now 12 people, but the analogy can also be extended to a neighbourhood, a town, a locality and to the world in general. All we need to do is look, listen, be open and react with our heart... in the end we are all different but in so many ways we are exactly the same in our basic needs to be accepted on our own terms, to be loved and appreciated despite anything and everything we have done.
Much has been written today, I'm glad I did it and although it's pretty personal stuff here I don't really care because at the end of the day each and every one of us will be presented with similar situations and moments.
I hope I can help. Trust me... keep well...
---------------
The daily routine is fairly predictable here now... daily chores, fixed mealtimes, fixed times for discussions and outside activities and enough time in between for personal activities... to talk with fellow patients, read, write or do some sport.
I've been pretty active these last couple of days, there's a small sports room in which I can do my exercises, which I've neglected for a couple of months now while I was sinking into a state of dependant behaviour. By the time November had arrived I'd been having more and more difficulty getting my daily routine in order, I'd be going far too late to bed (often past midnight), waking up early to get myself prepared to go to work (between 5 and 5.30 a.m.) and usually spent most of the intervening time trying to tidy up the mess in the house left behind after the evening hours or trying to find some sort of order in the work I was supposed to be doing.
I'd been neglecting myself badly, was feeling like shit, my family members were having more and more problems with my attitude and the inertia I was exuding constantly. I feel sorry for them, I had become a burden for them and a burden for myself. When I finally took the step to come here to the clinic it was almost with a sigh of relief that I might be able to get some "fresh air", get some kind of healthy routine into my life and rediscover the self-respect I'd thrown into the wind long ago.
It's a good place here, comforting but awfully noisy at moments. There is almost no place where I can just sit and write in peace, where there are no televisions, no loud conversations, no activity in the hustle and bustle of the houshold activities of the staff. I know it sounds selfish but I need absolute quiet in able to be able to concentrate, to identify and neutralise the turmoil in my head, to get the poison of my negative thought patterns out of my head so that the healing can begin. I can do it here, albeit so very early in the morning when nobody else has claim to the computer. I already had one altercation yesterday when a number of people commented on the fact that I was taking up far too much time on the computer which was fair enough I guess, I just needed a way of expression at that moment because I was feeling really bad and this was the only way I could do it.
So now, it's just gone 6.30 a.m. and I'm rambling and raving, digitally jotting down the the fragments of the strange new life I'm leading at the moment. Perhaps this is also one of my addictions, I need to record the little bits of action or lack of it here, shards of imagination and insight that crop up in the course of the day and make a note of the happenings in our unit.
All things told, it's pleasant unit to be in. Although we all have serious problems, we are still relatively mild cases compared to other units. Most have alcohol problems, several have a history of cocaine abuse and two are suffering from heroine withdrawal. The doctors, nurses and councillers are excellent and very realistic in their approach, everything that is being done or is to be done is explained in detail and we're always welcome to come and discuss our problems at any moment, even in the middle of the night if necessary.
Some of the patients suffer from diagnosed psychlogical disorders, somethings things are done or said which can be perceived to be hurtful or distressing. In our unit we've made a rule that we should discuss any and every problem with each other as soon as possible, as personally and as helpfully as possible in a way in which we can rule out any misunderstandings, that the tensions can be defused as quickly as possible, not leaving them to simmer and disturb the already fragile balance in a group of damaged personalities.
A social group is a fluid entity, so many different individuals with varying interests and needs, and sometimes these needs collide with each other, causing tension. Which needs and wishes are important, which ones should prevail and which ones are worthy of further investigation by the group and the individual involved. No matter what happens, there needs to be a form of consensus in the group in almost all cases an open dialogue can take away most of the tension which arises when people aren't able or willing to accept anothers point of view.
We had an intensive session with one of the councillers yesterday about ways in which we could express our irritations, the ways in which we could indicate what was bothering us and the ways in which we could do so, so that the other party wouldn't feel intimidated or angry. The greater part of the message was that we would let the other person know that we weren't angry or annoyed by them, but by something he or she had done which was found to be irritating. It's a difficult exercise since the two factors seem to be twisted up within each other and we have difficulty seperating them.
Secondly, we had a session about the giving and receiving of compliments, the ways in which they could be given but also how they could be accepted gracefully and in a way that both the giver and receiver felt gratified that they had accorded a measure of importance to each other and let each other feel good for a moment.
I'm being brutally honest here. My primary forms of contact who can really empathise with my way of thinking, who can unerstand the existential crisis I've been going through for years, are scattered far and wide across our planet. Some people I've never met, others I've had the good fortune to have met at some time but all have become such dear friends that I feel almost totally dislocated if I'm unable to maintain contact by email or through my blog. Call this my addicition and perhaps I spend too much time thumping away at a computer but for me this has become my for intellectual and emotional survival in a world where neighbours hardly understand or even care about each other nowadays.
Ever since I was a child I have had a desperate need to be understood in a perceived hostile world around me, trying as best I can to survive the barrage of images and impulses of daily life, trying to salvage my psyche which was becoming more and more damaged in the course of the years, attempting to deflect the slings and arrows of an existence I was barely able to comprehend.
Too often, life just hurts so badly and at moments the very fact that I exist becomes unbearable, I feel as if I have become a burden for myself and the world around me in which non-conformity and an inability to participate is effectively punished by varying forms of exclusion, varying from the subtle to the indifferently callous.
I feel safe here, despite the inevitable undercurrents of personal interaction because there is a willingess and the need to cooperate so that the healing can begin. We all need to work together to repair the damage done, on the small scale of a unit of now 12 people, but the analogy can also be extended to a neighbourhood, a town, a locality and to the world in general. All we need to do is look, listen, be open and react with our heart... in the end we are all different but in so many ways we are exactly the same in our basic needs to be accepted on our own terms, to be loved and appreciated despite anything and everything we have done.
Much has been written today, I'm glad I did it and although it's pretty personal stuff here I don't really care because at the end of the day each and every one of us will be presented with similar situations and moments.
I hope I can help. Trust me... keep well...
---------------
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Succeeding and failing
When you have tried as hard as you can,
and you have fallen flat on your face,
or worse.
You can't say you've failed,
because you haven't, yet.
When you have hit a brick wall,
and your world seems to be crumbling,
when you don't know what to do,
or what to cling to,
you haven't failed, yet.
When you are met with disappointment,
disillusionment and despair
and let self-doubt take over,
let the inertia take control
and postpone action which needs taking
you have failed...
most miserably.
Keep well...
---------------
and you have fallen flat on your face,
or worse.
You can't say you've failed,
because you haven't, yet.
When you have hit a brick wall,
and your world seems to be crumbling,
when you don't know what to do,
or what to cling to,
you haven't failed, yet.
When you are met with disappointment,
disillusionment and despair
and let self-doubt take over,
let the inertia take control
and postpone action which needs taking
you have failed...
most miserably.
Keep well...
---------------
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Running the rapids
I'm ashamed of myself for letting things having get so far out of control. In the course of a couple of years I've managed to throw a lot of my principles overboard, taking the easy way out and doing just exactly as I liked without regard to the consequences and at the expense of others. My children have suffered, are still left and confused and uncertain about what's going to come. My partner also, and even though she carries her own responsibility to be able to control and guide her own actions in life, I know that I have hurt her deeply and perhaps unforgivably.
In the course of 2007 I ended up in way I'd never imagined I'd do beforehand, my world was changing and it was not changing for the better. I had become bitter and unmanageable, unforgiving and psychologically abusive. I hated myself for what I'd become, a monster, a parody of my former self, unable to function socially and dying emotionally. I was left with the tattered shreds of what used to be a vibrant creativity, feeling trapped in a world of grey mediocrity.
I was sinking and I knew it. I was sinking fast and for far too long I tried to ignore the problem and yet, when I couldn't ignore it any longer I'd invent all sorts of excuses to justify my behaviour. Days and nights became nightmares, my nights were far too short, I'd sleep fitfully and wake up as tired as death, ashamed of myself and apprehensive of yet another day that I would have to drag myself through, filled with pointless, mindless and socially irrelevant activities which I could hardly bear.
At the end of October 2007 there was an extremely serious altercation between Eldest Daughter and her mother. The details, whilst serious themselves, were for me the last straw in a long series of events. I needed to do something because in part I was one of the causes of the growing violence in our family. We were stuck, a mental and emotional paralysis had taken over and whatever we tried we couldn't get our situation back under control. After consultations with our doctor and a social worker the only thing left for me was to get a grip on my own problems despite my own addiction which was getting way out of control by that time. As far as I could see at that moment I was the only one who would be able to regain some sort of balance in the family if only I were able to regain the balance in my own life first, which I'd been neglecting for at least 20 years and perhaps longer. I'd sacrificed myself for so long for the common good and all I had to show for it were two empty hands, an emotional wasteland, a financial disaster area and an all-pervading sense of personal worthlessness.
I had failed, miserably, and the time had come to recognise the failure forwhat it was, to identify and address the character flaws which had locked my life up in a prison of my own chosing. I needed to to escape, I was desperate to find some course of action with lasting results because the girls were suffering badly by this time.
In the end, I was unable to be of any help to anybody if I wasn't able to help myself first. A sense of personal value became a prerequisite when trying to guide others out of the "Swamps of Sadness".
As I've writen earlier, I've been admitted to a detoxification clinic to address the physical challenges to my body, the second step will be more difficult because I will need to confront myself and the psychological dependence which led to the addiction in the first place. Lastly, and most importantly, I will need to localise the underlying issues and factors which led to my addiction in the first place and either by neutralising them in an effective way or weeding them out roots and all I can get an effective stranglehold on the self-destructive way of live we'd come to live.
I have absolutely no illusions about the steps to be taken, the way ahead is going to be long and difficult, there is so much at stake for I first need to reclaim my sense of self-respect and dignity, and regain the trust and respect of the people upon whom I depend most.
As it is said, "the longest journey begins with just one footstep, followed by another and by yet another". Obstacles will surely be found along the way and these will be taken and overwon, sometimes not in always in the ways of my own choosing but always leading to the required goal if the will, the intention and the wisdoom is present.
The way forward is to look back and learn the lessons taught, to look steadfastly forward to the goals one wishes to meet, but also to live in the present, in the here and now, by being able to justify one's actions and limitations, by accepting that those who travel along with us on life's journy are bound by similar and yet different distractions.
Take care on your journey, fare well, keep well and be good...
---------------
In the course of 2007 I ended up in way I'd never imagined I'd do beforehand, my world was changing and it was not changing for the better. I had become bitter and unmanageable, unforgiving and psychologically abusive. I hated myself for what I'd become, a monster, a parody of my former self, unable to function socially and dying emotionally. I was left with the tattered shreds of what used to be a vibrant creativity, feeling trapped in a world of grey mediocrity.
I was sinking and I knew it. I was sinking fast and for far too long I tried to ignore the problem and yet, when I couldn't ignore it any longer I'd invent all sorts of excuses to justify my behaviour. Days and nights became nightmares, my nights were far too short, I'd sleep fitfully and wake up as tired as death, ashamed of myself and apprehensive of yet another day that I would have to drag myself through, filled with pointless, mindless and socially irrelevant activities which I could hardly bear.
At the end of October 2007 there was an extremely serious altercation between Eldest Daughter and her mother. The details, whilst serious themselves, were for me the last straw in a long series of events. I needed to do something because in part I was one of the causes of the growing violence in our family. We were stuck, a mental and emotional paralysis had taken over and whatever we tried we couldn't get our situation back under control. After consultations with our doctor and a social worker the only thing left for me was to get a grip on my own problems despite my own addiction which was getting way out of control by that time. As far as I could see at that moment I was the only one who would be able to regain some sort of balance in the family if only I were able to regain the balance in my own life first, which I'd been neglecting for at least 20 years and perhaps longer. I'd sacrificed myself for so long for the common good and all I had to show for it were two empty hands, an emotional wasteland, a financial disaster area and an all-pervading sense of personal worthlessness.
I had failed, miserably, and the time had come to recognise the failure forwhat it was, to identify and address the character flaws which had locked my life up in a prison of my own chosing. I needed to to escape, I was desperate to find some course of action with lasting results because the girls were suffering badly by this time.
In the end, I was unable to be of any help to anybody if I wasn't able to help myself first. A sense of personal value became a prerequisite when trying to guide others out of the "Swamps of Sadness".
As I've writen earlier, I've been admitted to a detoxification clinic to address the physical challenges to my body, the second step will be more difficult because I will need to confront myself and the psychological dependence which led to the addiction in the first place. Lastly, and most importantly, I will need to localise the underlying issues and factors which led to my addiction in the first place and either by neutralising them in an effective way or weeding them out roots and all I can get an effective stranglehold on the self-destructive way of live we'd come to live.
I have absolutely no illusions about the steps to be taken, the way ahead is going to be long and difficult, there is so much at stake for I first need to reclaim my sense of self-respect and dignity, and regain the trust and respect of the people upon whom I depend most.
As it is said, "the longest journey begins with just one footstep, followed by another and by yet another". Obstacles will surely be found along the way and these will be taken and overwon, sometimes not in always in the ways of my own choosing but always leading to the required goal if the will, the intention and the wisdoom is present.
The way forward is to look back and learn the lessons taught, to look steadfastly forward to the goals one wishes to meet, but also to live in the present, in the here and now, by being able to justify one's actions and limitations, by accepting that those who travel along with us on life's journy are bound by similar and yet different distractions.
Take care on your journey, fare well, keep well and be good...
---------------
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Impressions and perceptions
I've been in the clinic for a couple of days now and I'm feeling extremely tired, not so much in a physical sense but more in an emotional way. This place has a way of confronting me in ways I hadn't realised, in ways that give me an opportunity to reflect and reconsider what I've been doing in the past and what I'm supposed to be doing after I get out of here.
The environment in which I'm in is comforting in so many ways, it's a bit like an extended household with all the facilities available... there is a large livingroom with television, books, games, plants and a large kitchen unit. There is enough food available at all times, enough to drink and enough to keep one occupied for quite a while.
There's a fitness room, not all that well equipped but enough to keep me busy with my exercises and helping me to keep fit. One of the things that I need to be doing, besides following the appropriate medication and participating in the days activities is also keeping my physical condition in shape. During the last few months of the last year I've let myself slip badly. I was losing weight at a steady rate, in the course of two years I'd shed 17kg (about 35lb), was regularly doing my exercises, primarily for my back but I took on an exercise regime to tone up all my muscles.
During the last months of last year I'd let things slip badly, hardly paid any more attention to my physical training and on top of that I'd run up a very painful injury in my shoulder during my rhönrad training, which effectively stopped me in my tracks for some weeks.
Each of the patients share a room with another, except for in the situations that patients are potentially dangerous or are particularly noisy during the night. I've been lucky, I'm sharing a room with a rather shy fellow who's been addicted to speed and alcohol for many years, is here for his third time and is reasonably well adjusted. I had a long talk with him this morning, we got to know each others situations and troubles, made agreements about how to make life sharing one room a workable thing.
There are a lot of really sad people here, not sad in the emotional sense generally but people who have been so psychologically damanged or traumatised in so many ways, who have sought some sort of substance abuse to try to cope with the emptiness of an unmanageable life which had spun out of control in countless ways.
I'd just like to say at this point that the socially accepted view of people with an addiction is a horribly distorted one, one which in many aspects is disgustingly hypocritical. I'll come back to this subject at a later time, there are so many examples but I'll suffice with one rather graphic illustration of what I meant.
One of the men here, in his fifties and in a responsible job as senior buyer for a large company, told about how in his position it wasn't just an acceptable way of behaving but that it was expected of executives and managers that they consume large quantities of alcohol during meetings and negotiations. It had come to the point that this way of life had also spilled over into his private life, that he was almost always continually drinking and that his family life was being damaged beyond belief.
We talked about this for quite a while, but discovered that while this corporate "business lunch/dinner syndrome" was quite acceptable and quite legitimate in business circles, any employee caught drinking or arriving at work drunk could officially be sacked on the spot in accordance with his/her workplace agreements. Somehow there is something terribly twisted, managers and bosses are able to do as they like, up to and beyond bringing a company into a dangerous position because of ill-considered bargains made whilst inebriated, whilst the little guy who is struggling to make a living and probably struggling with a lot more problems than just the workplace stress potentially can get the boot for trying to cope in the only way possible...
I've taken the liberty of being able to rant here, in the end it's my blog and it's my prerogative to vent on what I see to be intolerance and short-sightedness. There's much more going on here, there are really heart-breaking stories of people who have so totally hit rock bottom, I should consider myself so damnably lucky that I have the chance to escape from the circle before it's too late. My liver and my kidneys still seem to be in good shape, my lungs and heart have gotten a clean bill of health, the only thing that still is a worry that my short-term memory is a little defective and I still have blackout periods from the past which I really can't account for. There's still the damage in the family I need address as well, although my daughters are quietly enthusiatic about what I'm doing I still need to repair relations with all the ladies in my life.
Daze of our Lives is going to be focussing mostly on addiction and social problems for the time being. For me it's a form of catharsis, burning out the background of what has turned out to be a major problem in my life. Secondly I'm taking the liberty of raising awareness of an immense problem in western society, for which the wrong people are being punished for issues they hardly had/have any control over and who are left to their own devices by a society which hardly knows and hardly cares.
Raising awareness, breaking ignorance and restoring the dignity we all have a right to. I want to help in whatever way I can, can you help too?
Thanks for reading so far, I'll keep you posted.
Keep well
---------------
The environment in which I'm in is comforting in so many ways, it's a bit like an extended household with all the facilities available... there is a large livingroom with television, books, games, plants and a large kitchen unit. There is enough food available at all times, enough to drink and enough to keep one occupied for quite a while.
There's a fitness room, not all that well equipped but enough to keep me busy with my exercises and helping me to keep fit. One of the things that I need to be doing, besides following the appropriate medication and participating in the days activities is also keeping my physical condition in shape. During the last few months of the last year I've let myself slip badly. I was losing weight at a steady rate, in the course of two years I'd shed 17kg (about 35lb), was regularly doing my exercises, primarily for my back but I took on an exercise regime to tone up all my muscles.
During the last months of last year I'd let things slip badly, hardly paid any more attention to my physical training and on top of that I'd run up a very painful injury in my shoulder during my rhönrad training, which effectively stopped me in my tracks for some weeks.
Each of the patients share a room with another, except for in the situations that patients are potentially dangerous or are particularly noisy during the night. I've been lucky, I'm sharing a room with a rather shy fellow who's been addicted to speed and alcohol for many years, is here for his third time and is reasonably well adjusted. I had a long talk with him this morning, we got to know each others situations and troubles, made agreements about how to make life sharing one room a workable thing.
There are a lot of really sad people here, not sad in the emotional sense generally but people who have been so psychologically damanged or traumatised in so many ways, who have sought some sort of substance abuse to try to cope with the emptiness of an unmanageable life which had spun out of control in countless ways.
I'd just like to say at this point that the socially accepted view of people with an addiction is a horribly distorted one, one which in many aspects is disgustingly hypocritical. I'll come back to this subject at a later time, there are so many examples but I'll suffice with one rather graphic illustration of what I meant.
One of the men here, in his fifties and in a responsible job as senior buyer for a large company, told about how in his position it wasn't just an acceptable way of behaving but that it was expected of executives and managers that they consume large quantities of alcohol during meetings and negotiations. It had come to the point that this way of life had also spilled over into his private life, that he was almost always continually drinking and that his family life was being damaged beyond belief.
We talked about this for quite a while, but discovered that while this corporate "business lunch/dinner syndrome" was quite acceptable and quite legitimate in business circles, any employee caught drinking or arriving at work drunk could officially be sacked on the spot in accordance with his/her workplace agreements. Somehow there is something terribly twisted, managers and bosses are able to do as they like, up to and beyond bringing a company into a dangerous position because of ill-considered bargains made whilst inebriated, whilst the little guy who is struggling to make a living and probably struggling with a lot more problems than just the workplace stress potentially can get the boot for trying to cope in the only way possible...
I've taken the liberty of being able to rant here, in the end it's my blog and it's my prerogative to vent on what I see to be intolerance and short-sightedness. There's much more going on here, there are really heart-breaking stories of people who have so totally hit rock bottom, I should consider myself so damnably lucky that I have the chance to escape from the circle before it's too late. My liver and my kidneys still seem to be in good shape, my lungs and heart have gotten a clean bill of health, the only thing that still is a worry that my short-term memory is a little defective and I still have blackout periods from the past which I really can't account for. There's still the damage in the family I need address as well, although my daughters are quietly enthusiatic about what I'm doing I still need to repair relations with all the ladies in my life.
Daze of our Lives is going to be focussing mostly on addiction and social problems for the time being. For me it's a form of catharsis, burning out the background of what has turned out to be a major problem in my life. Secondly I'm taking the liberty of raising awareness of an immense problem in western society, for which the wrong people are being punished for issues they hardly had/have any control over and who are left to their own devices by a society which hardly knows and hardly cares.
Raising awareness, breaking ignorance and restoring the dignity we all have a right to. I want to help in whatever way I can, can you help too?
Thanks for reading so far, I'll keep you posted.
Keep well
---------------
Friday, January 18, 2008
Day Zero
In a way the place I'm in is a bit surreal... close to a major city here in the Netherlands but confined to a clinic from which we aren't able to leave without permission or supervion.
It's also an odd gathering of patients, most in my unit have voluntarily applied for treatment for an alcohol dependence, two for cocaine abuse and one for a heroine withdrawal. There's 13 of us in this unit, the regular unit they call it because we're the ones for whom treatment will be the most straightforward and we're still the most socialised patients in the clinic.
There are two other units, a crisis unit which is meant for immediate, first line help for people who are pretty well off the planet with their dependance problems, and a middle unit which is a kind of transfer environment until the doctors decide they are fit enough to be transferred to the regular unit.
The patients are invariably friendly, some a little more withdrawn and some having concentration difficulties, whilst others have suffered from severe social isolation for a long time.
Our days are reasonably well structured, there are fixed times for meals, each of the team members is assigned a different task every day, we're responsible for keeping the place neat and tidy and every day one of the longer staying residents is assigned to be the day coordinator, who supervises activities and makes sure everything that needs doing gets done in an acceptable manner.
Today I've had physical tests, a psychological intake, have been prescribed a course of medication to alleviate the invariable withdrawal symptoms. Up to now there hasn't been much effect besides an extreem weariness toward the end of the day.
I've been very apprehensive whilst this day approached, so nervous but in hindsight that was't necessary... people are so friendly and helpful, the group is supportive and understanding for each other, despite all the personal differences there is a genuine willingness to transcend the boundaries and work together to a common goal... getting better, as soon as possible and in as effective way as possible...
I'm off to bed, dead tired but feeling rather happy with myself after my first day of not having indulged in a problem that was on its way to wrecking me, the way I was functioning in the household and most especially the way in which I was wrecking the trust of my children. The girls are unanimously positive about the steps I'm taking, they know we'll be missing each other for a while but they also know that when I get out of here that I'll be able to start working toward a bigger, better and more beautiful future for all of us.
My life started again today and I want to live it to the fullest and feel happy about it on my own terms.
Keep well...
---------------
It's also an odd gathering of patients, most in my unit have voluntarily applied for treatment for an alcohol dependence, two for cocaine abuse and one for a heroine withdrawal. There's 13 of us in this unit, the regular unit they call it because we're the ones for whom treatment will be the most straightforward and we're still the most socialised patients in the clinic.
There are two other units, a crisis unit which is meant for immediate, first line help for people who are pretty well off the planet with their dependance problems, and a middle unit which is a kind of transfer environment until the doctors decide they are fit enough to be transferred to the regular unit.
The patients are invariably friendly, some a little more withdrawn and some having concentration difficulties, whilst others have suffered from severe social isolation for a long time.
Our days are reasonably well structured, there are fixed times for meals, each of the team members is assigned a different task every day, we're responsible for keeping the place neat and tidy and every day one of the longer staying residents is assigned to be the day coordinator, who supervises activities and makes sure everything that needs doing gets done in an acceptable manner.
Today I've had physical tests, a psychological intake, have been prescribed a course of medication to alleviate the invariable withdrawal symptoms. Up to now there hasn't been much effect besides an extreem weariness toward the end of the day.
I've been very apprehensive whilst this day approached, so nervous but in hindsight that was't necessary... people are so friendly and helpful, the group is supportive and understanding for each other, despite all the personal differences there is a genuine willingness to transcend the boundaries and work together to a common goal... getting better, as soon as possible and in as effective way as possible...
I'm off to bed, dead tired but feeling rather happy with myself after my first day of not having indulged in a problem that was on its way to wrecking me, the way I was functioning in the household and most especially the way in which I was wrecking the trust of my children. The girls are unanimously positive about the steps I'm taking, they know we'll be missing each other for a while but they also know that when I get out of here that I'll be able to start working toward a bigger, better and more beautiful future for all of us.
My life started again today and I want to live it to the fullest and feel happy about it on my own terms.
Keep well...
---------------
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Ends, and beginnings...
I have no idea when you will be reading this message... I also have no idea WHO will be reading it either unfortunately since in our convoluted and impersonal internet experience a sense of association or degree has declined toward freezing point...
The world is changing, all our worlds are changing and mine is in a sense of upheaval also.... I've been so brilliantly silent, whilst the ideas and concepts you have devised, seen, thought and consumed have practically exploded my skull, I still feel so limited by my words and yet there's so much I need to say that cannot be reflected in writing...
I'm going to be away for a while, to have an addiction treated which has been souring my life for too long. It's not what I'd wanted, it's definitely not what I needed but it's something i need to tackle along my twisted and turning path through.
Keep well, keep on smiling and remember... when you're down as far as you can go, the only way you can go is up :-)
---------------
The world is changing, all our worlds are changing and mine is in a sense of upheaval also.... I've been so brilliantly silent, whilst the ideas and concepts you have devised, seen, thought and consumed have practically exploded my skull, I still feel so limited by my words and yet there's so much I need to say that cannot be reflected in writing...
I'm going to be away for a while, to have an addiction treated which has been souring my life for too long. It's not what I'd wanted, it's definitely not what I needed but it's something i need to tackle along my twisted and turning path through.
Keep well, keep on smiling and remember... when you're down as far as you can go, the only way you can go is up :-)
---------------
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)