Giving and taking
There's an old saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink". The fact is that you may be able to show a person what is best, you cannot force him to it, even though it is in his interest.
The same goes for well-intentioned advice and arguments... if the other party isn't interested or isn't willing to accept the information given, there's no point in continuing my efforts to change the situation. In order to be able to change, either a viewpoint or a lifestyle, an individual needs to be convinced of that which needs to be done. By him-/herself. On their own.
Sometimes it's a physical or mental impossibility. Nobody's the same, each of us has our strong and our weak points, possibilities and handicaps. At other times it's an unwillingness to break out of an existing mindset, because of the discomfort one fears will arise afterwards.
I think you also know how annoying it is when somebody tries to "convince" you of their standpoint and who continues to do so until you've given up resisting. A pyrric victory at best, since you're still not convinced but just want to get out of the situation involved. How often has that happened to you? For me, quite often, too often...
I've nowadays reached the viewpoint that it's pointless to try to convince anybody about anything, despite all wishes to the contrary. I can try to give something, if the offer is rejected, I can't force acceptance in any realistic way. All I can do is offer the tools with which one can form opinions, attitudes and insights of their own. By respecting the integrity of the other person, a much better situation is constructed in which to conduct a meaningful discussion for both sides.
This is one of the key points in the treatment of addiction, but also in the breaking of bad habits and negative behaviour. The "patient" needs to be convinced of the need for treatment or that a certain behaviour is causing more problems than one needs in life. Denial can only be broken down by the individual concerned, not by anybody else and it's pointless to think otherwise. Only at the moment that an individual can see for him-/herself that help is needed can a meaningful treatment or adjustment be started. Before that, the only thing achieved is a more active refusal to accept what is given, a digging in of attitudes which become even more difficult to dislodge.
Acting with respect, offering that which is needed but not doing so in a forceful way and considering the (im-)possibilities of the individual concerned... only then is the way open to a constructive cooperation in breaking negative behaviour and limiting personal distress.
Hope this helps. This has been on my mind for a while now and came to discussion yesterday during a group session. It was an eye opener for some, a moment of insight for me as well although some points were already known.
Thanks for reading, I've been rambling somewhat this morning unfortunately.
Have a good day and keep well...
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The same goes for well-intentioned advice and arguments... if the other party isn't interested or isn't willing to accept the information given, there's no point in continuing my efforts to change the situation. In order to be able to change, either a viewpoint or a lifestyle, an individual needs to be convinced of that which needs to be done. By him-/herself. On their own.
Sometimes it's a physical or mental impossibility. Nobody's the same, each of us has our strong and our weak points, possibilities and handicaps. At other times it's an unwillingness to break out of an existing mindset, because of the discomfort one fears will arise afterwards.
I think you also know how annoying it is when somebody tries to "convince" you of their standpoint and who continues to do so until you've given up resisting. A pyrric victory at best, since you're still not convinced but just want to get out of the situation involved. How often has that happened to you? For me, quite often, too often...
I've nowadays reached the viewpoint that it's pointless to try to convince anybody about anything, despite all wishes to the contrary. I can try to give something, if the offer is rejected, I can't force acceptance in any realistic way. All I can do is offer the tools with which one can form opinions, attitudes and insights of their own. By respecting the integrity of the other person, a much better situation is constructed in which to conduct a meaningful discussion for both sides.
This is one of the key points in the treatment of addiction, but also in the breaking of bad habits and negative behaviour. The "patient" needs to be convinced of the need for treatment or that a certain behaviour is causing more problems than one needs in life. Denial can only be broken down by the individual concerned, not by anybody else and it's pointless to think otherwise. Only at the moment that an individual can see for him-/herself that help is needed can a meaningful treatment or adjustment be started. Before that, the only thing achieved is a more active refusal to accept what is given, a digging in of attitudes which become even more difficult to dislodge.
Acting with respect, offering that which is needed but not doing so in a forceful way and considering the (im-)possibilities of the individual concerned... only then is the way open to a constructive cooperation in breaking negative behaviour and limiting personal distress.
Hope this helps. This has been on my mind for a while now and came to discussion yesterday during a group session. It was an eye opener for some, a moment of insight for me as well although some points were already known.
Thanks for reading, I've been rambling somewhat this morning unfortunately.
Have a good day and keep well...
---------------
posted by bart | 05:34
6 Comments:
Thank you for this.
Likewise, we were taught at seminary that our job was not to teach faith, but to create an environment in which faith could grow. Kind of the same principle, I think?
No rambling Bart - excellent post. I always operate with the following in mind. You can only help those that are looking for help. No point in trying to help someone that is not looking for anything other than to be heard.
failed to hit the email option for updates.
a good rambling is a pleasure to read, especially when it provides insights and useful information ;)
it is true, you can't help those who don't want to be helped, even if they don't know it.
and in many cases, such people are human leeches, sucking energy from those around them...
This reminds me of the saying, "throwing pearls to swine"
Not that everyone who doesn't agree with us is swine, but you know, hopefully, what I mean.
This is the one thing that took me years to wrap my head around, that people have to want to change, I can't force them. Damn that was difficult for me to figure out, and I have a little bit of the control freak in me, I guess.
i think this principle was well stated zilla and that fundamentalism was left behind for what it was... faith can't be taught, it's also something you need to do on your own, in your own way...
thanks for the encourgement bruno, i think your approach is the only realistic one in the end because acceptance is something only the receiver can do, it can't be forced upon him/her
i'm glad you can find pleasure in my ramblings polona, sometimes i lose my way in a post and end up not quite sure of what i needed to say and wonder if i've missed the point somewhere along the way... guess it's my insecurity playing up a little...
indeed, as you say, there are those too busy denying their situation and being unable to accept the hand of help in any way, who continue to wallow in difficulties and indecision despite all evidence to the contrary but still are unable to break free for whatever reason... the leech analogy is a good one, such people can suck you dry emotionally if you give them a chance...
i understand your interestingly mixed metaphor fineartist, i imagine as a teacher you're confronted with the same issue on a daily basis so you have first hand experience with what i'm saying... you can offer someone the tools, you can offer the materials, you can offer some insight and theory but in the end they need to make the painting themselves... thanks for your total honesty here, i appreciate that...
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