Damage control

Some days things go well and you feel on top of things... some days pass indifferently and are barely worth a mention and occasionally something happens that shakes the complacency out of your butt and scares the living daylights out of you.


Yesterday was one of those days, albeit towards the end of the afternoon so most of the day went fine. I received a repeat order of a booklet that was made by one of my colleagues in January... 24 pages plus 4 cover pages. Quite a lot of time and formatting went into getting it prepared and printed and guess what? None of the page layout documents is to be found anywhere, only PDF files used for proofing and for printing, plus the original Word document with all the text (unformatted).


So, doing a bit of quick calculation and knowing that it has to be printed and delivered on Monday, I can see that I'm going to have to work really hard today, as the first proof needs to be out this afternoon... AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH...


The worst part of it is, nobody dares tell head office what's happened as there's been enough friction recently and nobody is waiting for any extra fuss...


to be continued...

Vincent

Today's the anniversary of Vincent van Gogh's day of birth in 1830. I've always had some sort of empathy with his work, the visions of a troubled genius transferred to canvas in a way only he could. The self portraits can be haunting, the landscapes wide and sweeping but always with some tension, hinting that things weren't quite what they seemed.

Google celebrated today with a special logo, one of the things I like about Google... they seem to enjoy adapting their logo's for all sorts of situations and celebrations and they do it very well.

There was a song written about Vincent, back in the 70's, a beautiful ballad which haunts me in quiet moments, based on the painting "Starry Night"

Starry Night
by Don McLean

Starry, starry night,

Paint your palette blue and gray

Look out on a summer's day

With eyes that know the darkness in my soul

Shadows on the hills

Sketch the trees and the daffodils

Catch the breeze and the winter chills

In colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity

How you tried to set them free

They would not listen they did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night

Flaming flowers that brightly blaze

Swirling clouds in violet haze

Reflecting in Vincent's eyes of china blue

Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain

Weathered faces lined in pain

Are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Now I understand

What you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity

How you tried to set them free

They would not listen they did not know how

Perhaps they'll listen now

For they could not love you

But still your love was true

And when no hope was left inside

On that starry starry night

You took your life as lovers often do

But I could have told you Vincent

This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night

Portraits hung in empty halls

Frameless heads on nameless walls

With eyes that watch the world and can't forget

Like the strangers that you've met

The ragged men in ragged clothes

The silver thorn, a bloody rose

Lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know

What you tried to say to me

How you suffered for your sanity

How you tried to set them free

They did not listen, they're not listening still

Perhaps they never will

 

Don Mclean was one of that rare breed of balladeers in the 1960's and 1970's who, armed with a guitar and an unusual quality of voice could move a nation if he wanted. I was only a teenager at the time, but songs like "American Pie", "The Grave" and "Starry, starry night" have a quality that lingers across the decades.

Don McLean, early 1970's

There was a lot of ferment in those days, youth was in action and took the stage from their elders who had neglected to see that the times were indeed a'changin... Bob Dylan, Melanie, Janis Joplin, Janis Ian, Joni Mitchell amongst others... all very different in their unique ways and very moving still whenever I hear their music.

But that's a story for another time...

A day with a difference

It's going to take a bit of getting used to, twice a year it's the same getting used to the time difference. I wish people would make up their mind and choose just one time and stick to that... it's a f***ing pain in the backside at times.

Seriously though, I think this interfering with body rhythms is serious. A human body depends on many internal cycles to maintain a delicate balance within itself, usually correlated with the day and night changes in the amount of light available. And of course we all adjust in the course of a few days or a week, but for me there's a feeling of dislocation and imbalance for quite a while. I have an extraordinary amount of difficulty waking up of a morning, want to eat at what feels like the wrong time, stay up later than is practical and then end up dead tired the next morning because... etc etc...

Of course, there are all sorts of different cycles in daily life...

Another seaquake in the Indian Ocean... at the moment the death toll is at 300 and will probably climb soon. Predictions are they will top 2000 but that's still guessing... every death is one too many.

The devastation is enormous.

I haven't included photo's of people here... in some way I find it very disrespectful and a little obscene the way these events turn into media events, where personal suffering becomes a consumable news item.

This Monday was OK...

On the subject of Easter, Easter bunnies and public holidays in general (religious or otherwise) I got to thinking about one of my all time favourites, the Trojan Rabbit which fans of Monty Python wouldn't fail to recognise.


You can find more info and more pictures here
And once again we're confronted with another holiday turned commercial in some way... it's really bloody annoying really, something nice and worthwhile goes a bit sour once business gets its greedy mitts onto something they can use to peddle their goods. Birthdays, OK... Valentines Day, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Easter, Halloween, Christmas, New Year and most countries have their own special days that have been appropriated by the shopkeepers for their own good... bah...

OK, that's my take then ;-)

Eldest Daughter wasn't all that well today, sore throat, headache and a bit queasy... came downstairs after having stepped out on the wrong side of the bed and promptly got herself into an argument which left her sulking and pretty unhappy. I left her in her room for half an hour to cool down and went to have a chat with her... she'd calmed down and was fairly reasonable but is at the moment running the adolescent roller coaster.

Self-portrait :D

Have spent most of the day rearranging Youngest Daughter's room rearranged... emptying cupboards, sorting out the clothes she won't be wearing any more and throwing away some stuff she never uses anyway. It's amazing how much stuff a kid accumulates, almost as much as it's parents (sigh...)

Had an extremely interesting discussion with a young fellow in Kentucky last night, as a result of the total chaos in the Buddhism 1 chatrooom on Yahoo. Actually Tashi and I were teasing a couple of the others who were being really stupid, but this guy gave the impression of being interested and at least moderately intelligent, compared to some of the rest. Got to wondering about religion and belief systems again. One of his main worries was about the creationist/evolutionist approaches to life and if he made the wrong choices, he would go to hell perhaps.

My personal take on most Microsoft products...

Hey, they've killed Kenny... the bastards!

I did a lot of on the spot thinking through and it suddenly dawned on me that the whole argument was a huge red herring, one that wasn't even all that important because no one can prove the validity of the one above the other. Of course, fundamental Christians will say that the Bible is the Word of God, is thus infallible and therefore the creation story is true as well. I would counter by saying that the Bible is the Word of God, written down and (mis-) interpreted by us poor humans who are so presumptuous to think that we know exactly what God meant when he was telling us things.

OK, end of rant for the time being, otherwise I'll be boring your socks off...

Easter Sunday... bring out the bunnies...

Yep, it's easter again, very early this year. Bit of an odd day really... the clocks got put forward an hour for Summer Time, Middle Daughter's still away with her friend and Eldest and Youngest Daughters aren't really into the Easter egg routine any more, besides wanting to eat the chocolate ones then.

Poor Easter bunny...



Also we bought for each of the children an Easter bread, in the form of a rabbit (more or less...)


Youngest Daughter, pleased :D
Later that day, we went to visit my partner's sister and brother-in-law in IJmuiden.




Youngest and Eldest Daughters


Me, trying to appear serious...
Now that spring has sprung in earnest, I've been trying to do some photography of the early spring plants and flowers, with varying success. It's difficult focussing at such short range and every little bit of wind blows everything out of range again... aarghhh...




Katie got to showing off her Chinese dress today... it's very smart and she likes wearing something very different. The first time, last year, she was very shy about it but seems to have gotten over that quite well.

Dead end day

Wish I could get myself sufficiently organised to actually get something done around here and when I've done that, that it stays done. It's almost as if there's a deliberately counter-productive thing going on here of the one step forward, one (or two) steps backward and no progress at all in any meaningful way.

I can't understand how four women can create such a mess and although I'm not super tidy myself, I can't for the life of me see how such an amount clutter can be tolerated.

With apologies to Edvard Munch

OK... time to go and get something done.

Good, Friday

Overslept once again, but didn't have any problems about that this time as it will probably be a slack day again. Nothing really exciting came in yesterday afternoon, so it was a slow start today. Jacqueline and the kids were still asleep as they've all got the day off. Good Friday's a public holiday for (semi-)government staff and schools, but the rest of us get to work as per usual. It was lovely walking outside... the air's crisp, the sky is blue and criss-crossed with icy airplane trails, flocks of geese are noisily heading off north again as I walk to the train station.


The station's almost surrealistically quiet this morning, as far as I can see most people have Good Friday off or have taken the day off anyway. I like these days, everybody's relaxed and even here at work things are easy... not many telephone calls, just a few odd jobs to be done and a little tidying up this afternoon.


Middle Daughter's away this weekend, with friend M. They're going to stay with M's father, who lives close to Rotterdam. Monica goes there every second weekend and a fair bit of the time during holidays but she doesn't really like it there and she's glad that Middle Daughter wants to come with her from time to time.


Middle Daughter (left) and M (right ;-) ), July 2004
I think it's the third or the fourth time Middle Daughter's gone along and she's managing to get over her homesickness thing nowadays. She used to have a lot of trouble with that, even with friends who lived a few houses from here. Mostly at the end of the evening we'd get a call and I'd end up going out to pick her up. Not really a problem, even though once she was with Myrthe who used to live here in the street, but moved with her parents to a town some 30km from here.

For whatever reasons, I'm feeling so totally uninspired recently and feel as if I'm slipping back into the lassitude and indecision of last year. Just to put things into perspective, I'm a chronic depressive on medication... many parts of my life have lightened up for a while since I was prescribed Paroxitine last November, but I'm feeling as if I'm slipping recently.


The worst part is that I can't really write effectively any more... I seem to lack the energy and the imagination to get the better part of me going and just let go. When I look back and (re-)read essays, emails and dissertations I wrote 10 years ago there was such an amount of energy and creativity, I almost broke down in tears when I read them again, as it seemed as if they were written by a total stranger who lived in a life filled with light and enough space to breath mentally.

Hmmm... enough moaning and groaning for this evening. Need to go and do something silly or stupid, just for the heck of it...

Today, 1980, San Salvador

Across the world and especially in San Salvador, we remember Bishop Oscar Arnulfo Romero, who was murdered whilst saying Mass on this day 25 years ago. A vocal critic of the ruling establisment and of the military which was waging a war against it's own people. On March 23rd, 1980 he appealed:

"Brothers, you came from our own people. You are killing your own brothers. Any human order to kill must be subordinate to the law of God, which says, 'Thou shalt  not kill'. No soldier is obliged to obey an order contrary to the law of God. No one has to obey an immoral law. It is high time you obeyed your consciences rather than sinful orders. The church cannot remain silent before such an abomination. ...In the name of God, in the name of this suffering people whose cry rises to heaven more loudly each day, I implore you, I beg you, I order you: stop the repression"

The next day he was shot in the back by an unnamed assassin who acted on orders from the military command.

He is one of the few people for whom I can have total and unconditional respect... speaking out in the face of personal danger and truly attempting to protect those who were unable to protect themselves.

And now for something completely different

After last nights post I started to get a bit silly... chatting with an acquaintance in Malaysia and offering some sort of nonsense as a way of killing time. On the spur of the moment, I wrote a poem which in hindsight was quite funny really...

Twinkle, twinkle, little star

How I wonder who I am (huh?)

Up above the world so rotten

(Is there something I've forgotten?)

Sparkle, sparkle, little twink

This has really made me think

(and try to figure out an easy and sensible way of writing a last line for a poem after the rest of it was nonsense anyway...)

And for whatever reason, a lot of the tension of the day just streamed away out of me and I felt peaceful again. Slept quite well although I had a strange dream I couldn't shake for a few hours after waking.

Went walking in my break, usually do as there's a lot to be seen in the most unexpected places at the most unexpected times. I work just outside the old centre of Amsterdam, in one of the area's that has been rebuilt in the 1960's and 1970's and some 20 minutes walk from Central Station.

Some of the more touristic things in the vicinity of my work...

The statue of "The Dockworker", comemmorating the February strike of 1941 in which the harbour workers and railway personnel refused to co-operate with the German invaders... the strike rapidly spread throughout the city and was only supressed after a very heavy handed intervention by the German army.

The National Technology and Science Museum (NEMO), an interestingly different building in the form of a ship in the middle of the major waterway through Amsterdam, straddling one of the major arterial highways under the water and out to the north of the province of North Holland.

A replica of the 17th century ship the "Nieuw Amsterdam" which, whilst being totally unseaworthy is a major tourist attraction at anchor next to the Maritime Museum.

The Moses and Aaron Church, in the heart of an area which was predominantly Jewish before the war. In the same area one can also find the Jewish Historical Museum and the Portuguese-Israeli synagogue.

The nonsense with poetry and word games seems to have lingered longer in my mind than I would have liked... I enjoy as much silliness with words and with convention as much as possible. Here's a nursery rhyme I received some time ago, which I thought was excellent...

Mary had a little lamb,

Its fleece was slightly grey,

It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,

Though the ovum was on loan,

It was not so much a lambkin, as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,

And soon it had some more,

They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing,

The teachers found it droll,

There were too many lamby clones, for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep,

Since their programs didn't vary,

So the scientists resolved it all, by simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,

Those scientists unwary,

One problem solved, but what to do, with Mary, Mary, Mary...

Sigh...

Today's our wedding anniversary... should be feeling happy but really, I'm a bit down today. Slept well, but got to wondering once again where our marriage is going to.

Jacqueline and I have had incredible difficulties with each other across the years, and sometimes I wonder why I continue. Sometimes I love her dearly for her warmth, her concern for the people she cares about and her strength. Sometimes I'm very sensitive to her needs, faults and misgivings and sometimes I just hate her altogether for her petty mindedness, shortness of temper and triviality. I often have the feeling I'm riding a roller coaster here at home... ups and downs in rapid succession combined with an instable emotional life is not a good combination.

This is how I felt at times... I'm a bit angry at myself for having done so, but this blog is probably the one place left where I'm not as accountable as usual.

Could you pass me the hair dryer, dear?

The rest of the day was a bit of a disaster... I'd been working through a couple of smaller jobs and planning on getting back to my longer running issues in the course of the morning. I'd been fooling around with some short term stuff and more or less gearing up mentally for the next stage of the long-running drama's of our company's ordering site. The powers that be at Head Office (strange and interesting name that, incidentally) decided Monday evening, after I'd left at 16.00, that I was to produce a new magazine by Tuesday afternoon... the one afternoon in the half year that I (and my daughters) have an appointment with the dentist for a checkup.

I worked my nuts off to get a first proof, (bit between a proof and a concept this time) but the printer refused to cooperate to get things presented at the right moment. A lot of grumpiness ensued, I was almost frantic because I needed to catch a train and get to an appointment for the four of us and things went so horribly wrong at the very last moment, I didn't have time to warn anybody about anything... made a couple of loose comments on my way out, and hoped that the message was understood but after a ragged day of getting things done in 5 hours for a job that usually takes 8, really got to me in the end.

Anyone for stress?

A little sadness today

Three weeks after the first hamster died, so did the second. Poor little thing, I cleaned her cage yesterday and she was reasonably active although I could see she was showing her age. At just a bit over two years I'd noticed that she was getting stiffer and stiffer, having difficulty on the ladders in her cage and generally listless. Thank heavens I had the presence of mind to make a few photos, even though it's difficult photographing a moving animal with a digital camera.

Zippy will be buried in the garden, next to her friend Merel and our old cat Tommie who died last year October.

This is Tommie when he was already pretty old.

He has his own page too

Also today, my yearly job evaluation. Never really look forward to it, and it has been postponed twice already so I guess we'd better get it over and done with. In general there's been an improvement compared to last year, but with all the nonsense in my life I'm getting myself back to the position I was in two years ago. Life stabilises, matters come back to normal and hopefully there'll be a bit of progression in the next year or two. OK, I can be pretty cynical about work and workplaces at times but it's a lot better here than other companies I've ever worked for.