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Daze of our lives...

All sorts of nonsense happens in the course of the day... good, bad, indifferent... whatever. Thoughts spring to mind, shit happens, things work out, but often don't... usually I have no idea of what's going to happen beforehand and perhaps its better that way. Anyway, just a little of what's going on and a way of clearing my mind... Read on at your own risk.

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Name: bart
Location: Hoorn, Netherlands

OK, not all that much to tell... just a slightly insane, very tired but reasonably perceptive guy who's life is filled with "why's" and never knowing why...

Friday, July 10, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Today, a little experimentation with variations on themes and manipulations of colour controls as well as the usual magnifications.
(Click on the images for an enlargement).


This first one has a somewhat Escherian quality about it, which unfortunately doesn't replicate well when zooming in.


Often rifts develop, through which I can see more deeply into the fractal. I found this one a little curious though, in that a whole new colour scheme presented itself as well.


Here's another, with an almost three-dimensional feeling about it when you look at the enlargement closely.


A host of fireflies, dancing at the edge of the unknown in the golden light.


A little closer again, the whisps becoming almost transparent.


These last ones are my favourites for today. Particularly the one below, with a restrained elegance most of the others seem to miss.


Keep well...

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Wednesday, July 08, 2009

The company parted

One thing never changes, that all things must change.

Of the three surviving trees, yet another became diseased and had to be removed today.

And so it goes...



Keep well...

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Friday, July 03, 2009

Fractals on Friday

This weeks collection of fractals is once again a somewhat mixed bag. It's been amazingly hot and humid, I've been sleeping badly and I've been left rather unfocussed for a good deal of the week. Thankfully there was a brilliant thunderstorm this evening, which brought some relief.
(Click on the images for an enlargement).


One of the things that struck me again, in several of today's images, was the contrast between confusion and emptiness which seems to arise over and over. In between the swirls and eddies, moments of nothingness seem to crop up in all sorts of unexpected places. Every time a different magnification or theme is chosen, new points of extinction appear of their own accord as if to accentuate other parts of the image, provide moments of relief or offer escape if needed.


Pauzes, breaks and time-outs are so necessary and so worthwhile in real life too. From experience, it's impossible to keep on going on at a frantic pace, trying to get all the things needing doing done and ignoring the need to rest, reflect and relax for a while. After a while the numbness and fatigue take over, an excess of impressions demand a pauze, to reset and recuperate in order to maintain a healthy balance in life.


When I'm out running, although I'm physically pushing myself to the limit occasionally, my mental state slows down and readjusts, blocking out a lot of what's been bothering me and allowing me to just focus on my breathing and the cadence of my motion. The moments of greatest satisfaction occur when I'm able experience feelings of just being, one with myself and with the world around me, without all the attendant judgements and evaluations my mind so desperately seems to need to impose at any given time.


There are moments that finding peace of mind is difficult though, when there are too many issues going on at the same time and that the lack of focus is sending my thoughts in all directions because I'm spinning out of control. The best technique I have to silence the storms of confusion is to repeat a particular motivational phrase or word to myself, mentally or preferably verbally, until I notice that I've managed to shout down all the noise going on in my head. Sometimes it only take me two minutes, sometimes after 15 minutes I'm still struggling because I notice that my thoughts keep on wandering off but that the greater part of the tension has been defused anyway.


It's all part of the game I guess. One moment is totally different to the next, I'm not the same person I was yesterday in countless ways, the realities of the world around me are changing at every instant. Chaos and distraction are replaced by quietness and contemplation, and all the way back again, in the never-ending cycle of life.


Today's been a bit of a difficult day, I'm still having difficulty concentrating but have done better than usual compared to the last couple of days. Lets hope it lasts.

Keep well...

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Monday, June 29, 2009

Early morning

Love the magic of misty mornings, when everything is still silent and close...




Keep well...

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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Something to ponder on

Seriously, don't we have better things to worry about?


What I am worried about is the way in which fear and anxiety are being manipulated by media, governments and pharmaceutical companies. Not to mention how the real issues are being studiously ignored.


Keep well...

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Saturday, June 27, 2009

Thought for the day


"Good health is simply the slowest way a human being can die."
Author unknown

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Nine things to remember in the meantime:
  1. Everyone must die.
  2. The remainder of our life span is decreasing continually.
  3. Death will come regardless of whether or not we have made time to practice the dharma (dharma = teachings).
  4. Human life expectancy is uncertain.
  5. There are many causes of death.
  6. The human body is very fragile.
  7. Our wealth cannot help us.
  8. Our loved ones cannot help.
  9. Our body cannot help.

Of course, perspectives can be different occasionally...


Keep well...

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Friday, June 26, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Todays fractals are all taken from the same base image, generated by a complex trigonometric equation in Tierazon. It was quite an extraordinary journey for me this time, down into the depths of wildness and confusion only to discover that the ultimate destination of my trip was a simple field of pastel gradients.
(Click on the images for an enlargement).


Magnification: 90x

The initial chaos of colour subsided quite quickly after some magnification. There's a kind of disturbed elegance here, promising much but hiding even more I suspect.


Magnification: 2,600x

Diving into one of the main spirals, one of the major themes is replicated endlessly, almost neurotically.


Magnification: 500,000x

A couple of subthemes arise, stalks and branches grow along the extremities, dendrites reach out somewhat inconclusively and loose pentagrammic spirals slow down the descent.


Magnification: 3,200,000x

This is one of my favourites in the series, many different tints of blue floating quietly in a sea of possibilities.


Magnification: 96,300,000x

Looking dangerous like a poisonous plant, with colours dark and brooding yet also offering the seeds of something new and exciting.


Magnification: 1,437,000,000x

Suddenly a rainbow appears in the gloom, opening a new path which was hidden between the fronds, to lead me to a place where silence and harmony are to be found.


Magnification: 30,000,000,000x

Quite a surprise here. I often find pinpoints of quietness within the mathematical mayhem I produce, but I loved the gentle simplicity of this one. In a way this whole excursion has been a useful allegorical exercise for me, offering me some encouragement at a moment I needed it.

Keep well...

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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Pausing for thought

Katie was here for a few minutes this morning, coming from her mother's house on her way to school. I hadn't been expecting her, but in the way our co-parenting seems to have developed it felt like a fairly unremarkable event. We're both comfortable with the arrangement, I have little, if any, contact with her mother at the moment which I'd prefer to keep that way for the time being. Time needs to be taken, to heal, to start to grow again and to allow the breathing to come back in a natural way.


It's been a strange year, all things told, and although there are still a few complications to be rounded off, there's a feeling of distinct relief and calmness at the moment that I've missed for a very long time in my life. Most of my days at the moment are spent catching up on parts of my life I've gravely neglected for far too long. Quite often they're just the little things, which give pleasure, fill time in a meaningful way and open the mind for reflection without too much distraction by the noise of life.


In the brilliant summer weather we've been having recently, I've been spending a lot of time outdoors in the garden, out running or just walking to wherever it is I need to go. I'm still having serious issues with my employer, who has presented himself unwilling to take me back in the position I'm legally entitled to, although new pathways back into the employment field are being opened which offer a lot of new and exciting perspectives. To be honest I'm not particularly worrying about that at the moment, just taking things as the come and evaluating situations on an "as is" basis. Probably one of the most valuable lessons I've learned during the last two years is that planning for the future is at best an exercise in daydreaming, and at worst a serious delusion because of the false expectations I'd be generating for myself, the recognition of which soothes a soul all too willing to go off on wild goose-chases after unrealistic goals.


The preoccupations and distractions of the last months seem to be subsiding, leaving a quietness and calmness in their wake which I can only describe as both sobering and beneficial. I'm still deliberately shielding myself from the daily noise and hubbub, which I still find injurious and harmful at too many moments. Although my resilience and my self-confidence are growing again, I see that there's still a long period of recovery ahead of me. I doubt I'll ever feel at home in the "fast lane" of life since that's never really been the case, even in my younger days when I thought I could do anything and take the world to battle in the process, so the job at hand now is rediscovering a place for myself where I can feel happy, justified and comfortable in the life I need to lead for my own sanity and physical well-being.


The time has come to live my own life, the puppet's strings have been cut and the puppeteer sent home. I'm feeling reasonably confident and self-assured, feeling a huge relief that a life of chronic worry and self-doubt has been put behind me. Pity it took me so long to get to this point, but I guess I've seen a lot on my way to know how not to do things in the future.


Keep well...

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Friday, June 19, 2009

Fractals on Friday

It's been a while since I've posted anything here, my mind being preoccupied and distracted by no end of events unwanted and unneeded. I haven't been putting much attention into my fractals either, since most of my creative activities have ground to a pronounced halt during the last few months.

Even my photography has suffered, for whatever reason I've lost my focus there temporarily. Please accept the latest crop of fractals though in the spirit intended, also meant as an attempt to unfreeze my intuition for a moment. Enjoy...
(Click on the images for an enlargement)






Keep well...

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Friday, May 15, 2009

Fractals on Friday

A lot of the images this week seem to have a bit of a 1960's quality. Not surprising in a way, since I was doing a lot of growing up then and images and sensations stay with you for the rest of your life. A lot of the images and associations seem to have stuck with me across the years because, despite the excesses and abberations, there was a lot of good and hope spread around at the time.


Colour, peace, light and harmony were all the buzz at the time, and I expect justifiably so since these qualities had been largely ignored during the post-WWII years whilst the world was being rebuilt. A generation almost literally exploded into view, with a totally new concept of what life was supposed to be about and how to go about living it with full respect for oneself and ones fellows. Authority was openly questioned, existing social values were derided as outdated and irrelevant, self-respect became less important than the need to move the world to a higher level, preferably as soon as possible.


An older generation looked on in dismay, anger and mistrust, assuming the radical break with the values and outlooks they held dear heralded the end of the world as they knew it. Later history would show that they had been right, albeit for completely different reasons than had been offered at the time. In some ways there was little change, in others the fragile cohesion of a global society still trying to understand itself after a debilitating world war became seriously unbalanced


Despite all the well-intentioned efforts to the contrary, the movement for peace, love and good-will toward all men effectively fizzled out in the 1970's, leaving in its wake disillusion, cynicism and opportunism which fanned the flames of the "me first" generations which followed. It was particularly sad to see how ideals and altruism where thrown overboard when the possibilities of self-enrichment and personal gain were offered, the masses following carrots on sticks to the detriment of self and society in general.


I have been very angry for a very long time with the generation which espoused peace, love and harmony which, with a few personal and notable exceptions, turned into a generation excelling in greed and manipulation. In a way I think that much of the energy of those times has settled down at a much lower, more personal and local level, in which people still care for each other in the growing social psychosis devoted to more, bigger, better and preferably even more.


I continue to believe that humans, by definition, are kind, caring and altruistic beings. If only out of necessity in the first instance, to ensure survival and a fulfilment of fundamental human needs, we see that so many individuals go above and beyond the necessary and functional motions to add an extra quality of caring and support for those in need around them. This was a quality that was essentially overlooked or forgotten in the heydays of the 1960's. The movement had become self-centred and egotistical, effectively sowing the seeds for the socioeconomic crises which were to follow in the coming decades.


Please don't misunderstand me though. This is not an exercise in placing blame, since much of what happened was an unconscious and socially orchestrated at a much higher level than the individuals involved, each playing his or her own part as an ant would do in it's own social environment. An ant has absolutely no idea of what is happening at the macro level, just as we humans have no idea of what we are doing collectively on this planet at this moment. All I can see, for myself at the present moment, is that I need to bring back my world to my own personal level and start to work from there.

It's all I have and that's all I can do. I'll change the world, I'll start with myself. Keep well...

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Friday, May 08, 2009

Fractals on Friday

As I might have written earlier, many of the fractal images can be found in strange and hard to find places. Today I'd like to take you on a guided tour, down into the depths of one particular fractal.
(Click on the images for an enlargement).


This is the base image, using a fairly complex polynomial with a magnification of 1x. One thing I notice now, which eluded me when I made it originally, is that it's not quite as symmetical as the original equation had implied. I wonder if that's a bug in the programme or an unexpected condition of the mathematics itself?


A detail was taken from the base image, the magnification is now 22x. At this point the major themes of the fractal are becoming apparent, although there are wide and wild variations in form and colour to be found across the base image. There's also a little tweaking of input and output parameters here.


The magnification here is now 6,300x. There's an abrupt transition between colour schemes occuring here, this time a little less pleasing then I'd like but offering an interesting contrast nevertheless. Some modifications have been applied again at the settings level to amplify the changes made.


Going in deeper, and more selectively. At 200,000x magnification some order and quietness is starting to return in the mayhem. It's also fascinating to note how the same themes are replicated on all stages in the fractal and even in the same image at macro and micro levels.


This was the end point of this part of the excursion, with a magnification of almost 1,000,000,000x. Often it's only at this stage that I feel that there is a consistency and an elegance with which I can feel happy with. I have no idea why in general and often the conditions vary, with this image at least I enjoy the quiet colour gradient and the quiet, steady motions down into the further depths of the image.


This detail was taken from a completely different area of the base image. I also applied a different output type this time, the magnification was set to 100x.


Going on in to this new image, now zoomed in to a little more than 1,000x, a completely new world is arising to be explored. Although there are still some remnants of the sequences seen in the first five images, there are new progressions and forms developing here which have exiting possibilities.


I ended my journey at a little more than 2,000,000x, having hardly looked at all the possibilities open to me here. The programme I use allows me to save my operating parameters thankfully, so I can continue at a later moment when I'm feeling a little more inspired or intuitive.

I hope you've enjoyed this little sidetrack through my fractal forest, it's been an eye-opener for me too because now I've needed to do some thinking about what I was doing instead of just doing it intuitively. Thanks for reading and keep well...

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Friday, May 01, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Once again a little experimentation with familiar themes. Often my intuition leads me to new areas in the primary image which need exploring, occasionally delivering strange and wonderful results.
(Click on the images for an enlargement)


Not too much to tell at the moment, I'm feeling effectively blocked mentally as the changes in my life play themselves out in my mind and my body. The grieving has started again since the emotional separation already took place years ago.


I'm looking toward a future which is still effectively wide open. It's a bit scary in some ways, in others it's like breathing in fresh air and feeling invigorated by new perspectives and possibilities. I'll be returning to work next week, for a couple of hours a day, to pick up where I left off a couple of months again.


One of the most important issues I need to work on, now a lot of the other issues are dying down or have become irrelevant in the meantime, is to develop the assertiveness I'd never had a full grasp of earlier in my life. I guess it's time to leave the masochistic streak in me for what it is and get on with my life.


I already feel as if I've shed a ton of excess baggage this last year. The next one is due for attention in the coming period, whilst shedding a lot of negative self-esteem and developing a good working relationship with the world around me.

Have a good day, keep well...

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Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My Country

As you may know, I originate from the unique continent of Australia. Just as a warning for passers-by, the following map was created for the unwary and the venturous.


Not totally bereft of a sense of humour, the following document was written by a number of the inhabitants down under some years ago, shortly before the Sydney Olympics in 2000.


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New Preamble to the Australian Constitution

WE, the People of the broad, brown land of Oz, wish to be recognized as a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional trannie.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand) and, although we live in the best little country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but we're divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte and grand final day. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that it's "livable".

Next, there's NSW. It is the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing gay-boys. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that bonks together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces.

South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel.

Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant in this document.

The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations, kangaroos, jackaroos, emus, Ulurus and dusty kids with big smiles. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to fly over it on our way to Bali.

And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half-arsed agnostics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery.

We, the Lullaby League of Oz, are united, primarily by the Pacific Highway, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than die by murder.

We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate for praise we leap in joy when a ragtag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing.

We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party, albeit a redneck gun-toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Desirable, sure. But fair? Not when you consider Brian Harradine can get 24,000 votes and runs the bloody country. Not that we're whingeing.

We've chucked out the concept of "fair go" in the downsized '90s. Instead, we want to make "no worries" our national phrase.

We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning, in the same breath.

We treasure our politicians, who talk about listening with such persistence it's hard to get a word in. We tolerate our Prime Minister, who is not only short but a Methodist, hanging offences in decent countries. And we like watching Parliament on TV because Natasha Stott Despoja is a total spunkrat.

We, the wicked witches of the land of Oz, want to make it clear this continent is ours and always has been. Mind you, Liberal Party polling shows that there were some people here before Captain Cook so we should address the issue once and for all.

While possession is nine-tenths of the law, our ancestors were fortunate enough to discover that genocide, cultural extinguishment, baby theft and flour poisoning make up the other tenth.

So Oz is now ours and that's that. Our midget Methodist master says we have no reason to feel sorry for killing more Aborigines per capita than the Nazis did Jews and Liberal Party polling says we're OK with that.

Why don't we say sorry? In the words of our PM - because, because, because, because, because. Now, can we just drop the whole thing before the Olympics start?

Phew, with that nasty bit out of the way, we the Brain, the Heart and the Nerve of Oz, want the world to know we have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies and the worst-dressed Olympians in the known universe.

We don't know much about art but we know we hate the people who make it. We shoot, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. And even though we might seem a racist, closed-minded, sports-obsessed little People, at least we're better than the Kiwis.

Now bugger off, we're sleeping.

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So now you know the full story. Keep well...

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Friday, April 24, 2009

Fractals on Friday

I've been making life particularly difficult for myself this morning. For some reason I wasn't very satisfied with any fractal I made really, and just kept on going on and on and on, trying to find that special effect I knew was waiting for me somewhere. A bit like waiting for the jackpot in the lottery, you keep on hoping but no one knows if it's ever going to happen.


Probably one of the more important lessons I'm learning at the moment, is to be satisfied with what I have, to accept the moment as it is, to appreciate the here and now instead of troubling myself with what if's and perhaps's. I sense that chasing illusions has been causing me more grief than necessary, in that all the possible scenarios are products of my mind and have no basis in reality. This moment is the only one that counts, and I should be making the best use of it instead of wishing, feeling regrets or constructing fictional futures. The past is no more, yet the lessons learned then have laid the foundations for a future which is still unmade and will be built upon my actions and thoughts of the present moment.


This day is a special day, it is yours.
Yesterday slipped away, it cannot be filled anymore with meaning.
About tomorrow nothing is known.
But this day, today, is yours, make use of it.
Today you can make someone happy.
Today you can help another.
This day is a special day, it is yours.

(Indian poem, author unknown)


I need to keep this in mind more often. Life is lived one breath at a time, whatever comes afterwards is a gift and a reward for actions past.

Thank you for reading today, keep well...

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Friday, April 17, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Somehow, my Fractals on Friday has become a lifeline for me. In too many ways I'm being(self-)absorbed by the things that are happening in my life, letting myself be distracted and disheartened by events which are spinning out of control. Friday is often the day in which I can let go for a while, let loose the reigns and let my imagination run wild for however long it takes.


Nevertheless, it's often happened during the last few weeks that I start on Friday, but don't seem to have the nerve or the mental energy to continue for whatever reason. I've dated this post for last Friday, even though I'm now tapping away early on a Sunday morning to finish off what I'd started with. I feel a little annoyed with myself on the one hand, on the other this is one of the few bits of continuity I have in my life at the moment and I will hang on to this for dear life until the mental permafrost has thawed. There is such a need in me for effective writing, but I find myself unable to overcome the tiredness most of the time, lack the ability to focus properly and find the right words to say what lies on the tip of my tongue.


I find myself in a bit of a strange bind really. The words I find, and can use, stem from a daily routine, expressing the necessary and the obvious in a short and simple fashion, but one totally unfitting to express what REALLY needs to be said in some way. These ideas, concepts, feelings and perceptions are buried somewhere in the mental blur that I carry with me day in, day out, totally unresponsive to my attempts to articulate them. I know what's in there, I feel like I'm being gnawed at by all manner of mental images which disappear as soon as the spotlight turns to them. Even now, when I'm typing, thoughts and expressions spring up and disappear within a few moments, if I'm lucky and don't let myself be distracted I can still capture the essence in a few lucky and ineffective words, which for me can only ring hollow and totally unsatisfactory after the fact.


The mind is a strange country and the further I travel within this twilight world the less I understand of it and myself. Even though there are moments of coalescence and crystallisation when things suddenly fall into place, so many questions and obscurities remain. Confusion abounds occasionally, more often resignment prevails and gives me the energy and the hope to be able to continue.


Time to plod on. Have a great day, keep well...

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Monday, April 13, 2009

The day after Easter


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Friday, April 10, 2009

Fractals on Friday

A bit of a mixed bag of fractals this time. My heart hasn't been in much of what I've been doing recently since I've been rather preoccupied with health issues and matters relating to the divorce. I guess it's safe to say that the times in which the going gets rough are probably also the times in which you get to know people properly. Often in a positive, uplifting way, but too often enough in disappointing and saddening ways.


I'm not a person who'll go pointing fingers eagerly. I'm perfectly aware of most of my own shortcomings and defects, and remain convinced of my need to work on those both in the present moment and in the future. The one thing I seriously dislike though, is the feeling of having been taken for a fool and having being taken advantage of across the years. At a time when it's too late, and the balance has almost been made up, I'm amazed at the way in which I let my trust be misused. The only thing I can hope for now is a speedy settlement and that the demarcation lines be set out before any more nonsense takes place.


This image resembles my mood a little, light days alternating with dark ones, with all sorts of surprises hidden in the depths and the high places occasionally. There's a sense of freedom, growing but still constricted by circumstance and emotion. Little by little though, the light is grows and is illuminating my mind and my thoughts, with the occasional setback to remind me that I shouldn't imagine that it will be easy sailing. Hope remains and keeps me going on, no matter what happens.


The one thing I've realised though, and in a way it's been a painful realisation also, is that people often have no choice in how they go about their matters or react in the way they do. They're just as much a product of their own upbringing and mindset as I am and are worthy of just as much respect as I would wish for myself. I'm still having an enormous amount of difficulty separating the actors from the actions, since I still believe that people are in essence good and caring beings despite the almost overwhelming evidence to the contrary. I remain convinced that nobody willingly wishes to be nasty, mean-spirited, abusive or self-centred despite the impulsive urges to do so at any given moment.


Reconciliation is a big word. In some ways I suspect that repairing relationships, or at least constructing a workable truce between individuals, also demands that we look carefully at ourselves and repair the damage done to our own psyche and mindsets before demanding that others adhere to our expectations. It's a long and messy business, which I doubt will ever end but if I never start I'll never get any closer to a useful solution.

Time to ponder on now, enough to do this Easter weekend. Keep well...

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Tuesday, April 07, 2009

New patterns emerging

I've left a couple of messy days behind me, fraught with some family problems which won't go away. I'm managing to deal with them, on my own renewed terms. In a way I'm feeling somewhat more resigned and acceptant of the things that happen in the way they pass, in others I'm stronger and more resilient than I've been in times past and refusing to accept the nonsense presented to me.


I've always been aware of the power of images, in the way they can be used in photography and in my fractal art. It's only recently though that I've become more aware of the therapeutic and healing qualities of drawings and symbols. In the strangest but also perhaps the most natural ways they unlock parts of the mind and my psyche which have been hidden from view, either by accident or design, or as an unfortunate byproduct of my upbringing. The colours and forms excite the senses and generate associations I'd never suspected.


The mandala, an age-old symbol which appears in most cultures, is probably the most lucid example for me at the moment, absorbing my attention and focussing my mind for a while, enabling me to return to the basics in my life at the times necessary. Mandalas contain more structure and symmetry than I've been used to with my fractal art, which excel in wild abandon and limitless confusion occasionally. Both have their places in my life and both have their own specific uses, but at the moment I'm needing to find more peaceand quiet to develop a new structure in my life.


And so it goes in life too. There are no absolute rights or wrongs, only partial solutions to half discovered problems, which themselves again are only subsets of or intersections with other circumstances determining our lives. It's taken me a long time, but little by little I'm managing to shed the black and white thinking that has effectively distorted most of my life up to now. And now I've been able to discern the pattern (that is to say, that there is no real pattern), I'm able to let a lot of issues rest and get on with my life.


Thanks for reading this far, I hope I've been making sense. Keep well...

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Saturday, April 04, 2009

Saturday morning thought

When you've hit rock bottom, there's only one way left to go.


Rebuilding my self-esteem has become one of the greater priorities in my life, despite the (often unspoken) wishes of the people around me. I've given up trying to please all of the people all of the time, because the net result was that I wasn't pleasing anybody most of the time, least of all myself, and feeling dreadful about it.


On the up and up today. Keep well...


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Friday, April 03, 2009

Fractals on Friday

It's been a funny old week here. A lot of movement in some directions, a lot of statis in others and while it's leaving me somewhat confused occasionally there's also a growing feeling of relief. Todays fractals are a continuation on a theme set out a few months ago and I though it would be nice to go explore some uncharted areas now that I have the benefit of a little more experience. Quite often I find patterns, sequences and insights I'd missed or misapplied at an earlier stage with astonishing results sometimes.


As I implied a couple of days ago, I'm feeling as if I'm undergoing some sort of metamorphosis now that I've managed to shed a good deal of negative feeling that has been distorting my life for far longer than necessary by now. Perhaps this is just the top of a new cycle and that things will even out or bomb out again soon, but right now I'm experiencing a new set of perspectives which I've never had before in my life, which are refreshing, invigorating and uplifting, and offering much promise for a better future.


Some changes and improvements are being made here in the house. Slowly and steadily I'm managing to get a grip on the things needing doing, and doing them without letting myself be distracted by my perceptions of what other people might be thinking or expecting. In many ways I'm feeling like I've finally managed to reclaim an important part of my own life, embarking on a new journey of self-discovery which is both fascinating and frightening. Not that I'm overly worried about the outcome, because from experience I know that things happen as they happen and I shouldn't be wasting too much energy on the what if's of life. A waste of time and pointless after having extracted the necessary lessons from a given situation I've found.


And so it goes. Life is change, nothing remains the same. Today is a new day, filled with possibilities and promise. That's all there is.

Keep well...

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Thursday, April 02, 2009

Thought for today

Take a moment to listen to a flower growing today.


Perhaps the sound of the sky falling won't frighten you so much then.


Keep well...

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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Making progress

Today's probably the first time since I stopped full-time work last year, that I've spent the whole day doing things I just wanted to do (and knew I needed to do) without feeling guilty about it for a moment. I've finally managed to just "go with the flow" for a day, doing a couple of things which have been on my "to-do" list for a while but which kept on getting put off for various reasons.


It's a brilliant day, nice and warm out of the wind and it almost feels as if I'm on holiday in my own home and in my own life. A lot of tension has ebbed away for the day, my mind is resonably clear and free for the moment and to celebrate I've planned an easy meal for whoever deigns to be present this evening (always a bit of a guess nowadays).


Have a nice (rest of the) day. Keep well...

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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

And now for some good news

I'm feeling happy this morning. Yesterday evening, after returning home with Katie after our weekly training, I'd received an email asking me to supply photos for the Rhönrad World Championship magazine.


I'm pretty confident I've got some good photos of all the ten Dutch competitors who'll be going to Switzerland next May, it's just going to take a lot of scrounging through my archive though.


Thank heavens that's one of the things I've managed to keep reasonably organised during the last couple of years. A photographers worst nightmare is trying to find an image he knows exists but has no idea where it can be found amongst the tens of thousands of images.


A good start to the week. Keep well...

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Monday, March 30, 2009

Words and meanings

Languages are lovely things. Being completely bilingual and having learned a couple of other languages in the course of the years, is an enormously enriching factor in my life. Although I don't have anything to compare my own experience with, I can't imagine a life contained in just one language field alone.


I've found, by learning and absorbing other languages, that I have a very useful tool to be able to understand my own primary languages. Each language represents a different outlook on the world around it and by examining the similarities and differences with my own I discover new meanings and nuances which I'd never suspected before.


One thing that surprises me though, is that language is not only about the words and systems of expression between individuals, but also how the individuals themselves "fill in the gaps" in their experience in their own unique ways. If I mention the word "spring" you will have a mental image of spring which is your own unique creation and totally different to the one your next door neighbour or I might have. Every word and every concept has a meaning which you and I have given them ourselves, irrespective of the meanings anybody else might attach to them.


Essentially, we're all living in our own separate linguistic universes, coloured by our own preferences and experiences, based upon knowledge built up over many years in our own very personal ways. In many ways it's a very lonely existence which is only alleviated by the social contacts in daily life. We share our personal experiences and associated language symbols in attempt to express ourselves and understand each other, and at the same time build a common ground upon which we can form units of cooperation. It's interesting to see the ways in which different families have different modes of expression and ways of dealing with situations and concepts, as opposed to the individual and larger social settings.


For me, my languges have the dual purpose of trying to clarify what it is exactly I'm thinking and trying to say, for both myself and the social group around me, but also giving me the tools to work with by comparing different systems and approaches to "reality". The most basic task for me in the first place is trying to figure out exactly what it is I'm trying to say in the first place.


Lots to do again today. There's no way I'm going to be bored now. Keep well...

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Sunday, March 29, 2009

Expressing anger

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about how I can control the anger I'm still feeling. Much built up resentment, hurt and indignation bubbles up to the surface of my life at all the wrong moments, eliciting hurtful and misdirected responses. I know these responses stem from a lot of pain from my past, but both the causes and the effects need to be dealt with in a useful and constructive way.


There are still many subjects needing attention. The troubled relationship with my soon-to-be-ex-spouse, employment issues, generalised rage at a "civilised" world where the weak and helpless are left to fend for themselves and my own inability to articulate issues or take action on matters of deep concern.


A I wrote yesterday, I could scream my head off whenever I can. I could punch pillows or chop down a forest, abuse anybody and everybody who gets in my way or just internalise everything bothering me and not get in anybody elses way.


None of these options are a real answer unfortunately. If I'm abusive or obnoxious, I'll receive from others what I give them myself, doubled, trebled and relentless once I've established a pattern, and isolating myself even further. Internalising isn't a healthy option either. It makes me sick, mentally, physically and socially as has been demonstrated rather admirably during the last few years. Blowing off steam in some way, by transferring my agression to some inanimate object instead of kicking the cat (or dog, llama or hamster) might be a good, short term solution but all too often situations arise where there are no pillows available or that trashing my surroundings isn't particularly advisable. What to do then?


Part of the solution I've been working on is to build up an acceptance of the anger that is still running around in my mind and my body. The situation is as it is, and much as I would like to change it I'm stuck with the reality of the present point in time and space. Quite often now though, when I feel indignation and emotions start brewing, I just take a quiet moment's "time out" to identify what I'm feeling and how I'm experiencing that feeling, perhaps the equivalent of the mental counting to 10 (or fifty, or ten thousand depending on the situation) and at the same time attempting to identify what effect the emotion is having on me, and what the possible benefits might be to give in to the anger at that moment.


Although it sounds easy, it isn't. What my approach boils down to is shifting the emphasis from what somebody else is doing or has done, to how I'm reacting on that input. In the end, the only realistic option is controlling my own reaction because, despite all good wishes and even better intentions, it isn't possible for me to control the rest of the world. I'm responsible for how I feel, and will be needing to make use of all the tools available to defuse tensions and hurt within my own system so that I can't be touched in the future.


I've still got a long way to go on this subject, I have the feeling I've barely scraped the surface of something much bigger here but I'm glad I've managed to be able to share this much already. In a way just writing it all down has crystallised a couple of issues already and I'm hoping that this is the beginning of something new and uplifting.


Have a great day. Keep well...

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Saturday, March 28, 2009

Snapshot

I've been in survival mode for a couple of weeks now. I sincerely hate these periods but have no option to "go with the flow" until my mind and my spirit have calmed down and can cope with the daily realities effectively.


This cycle started around the middle of February, when household pressures were building, there was no perspective of a direct resolution to the divorce and my employer was giving me a hard time because my recovery is taking longer than he (and I) had expected. A short and hard-hitting relapse was the result. Short, overwhelming and disappointing, but in some ways necessary to be able to relieve the tensions which were condemning me to inability and inactivity once again.


The clouds are starting to lift, my horizons are starting to widen again and the world around me is becoming more and more comprehensible on a daily basis. I'm still grappling with the almost desperate need to purge the ill-feeling and sadness in a useful way. Articulation evades me, the words are still blocked somewhere, somehow, and even my images leave me feeling a little hollow at the moment. Perhaps I need to scream my lungs out somewhere, somehow and get it over and done with. Who knows?


I wish I could. Keep well...

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Friday, March 27, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Todays fractals turned out to be a bit of a wild and neural bunch, probably reflecting my recent mood a little. They were generated within one fractal set and represent different areas and subsets of the whole image, in the same way I've often been doing recently.


Things are changing rapidly here, there's a strange atmosphere of being halfway between a new and an old situation, with enough accompanying confusion to keep us all busy for the time being. The two youngest children are quietly excited about the changes, they're busy redecorating their new rooms and helping with odd jobs around the new house in which they'll be living.


I've been keeping out of peoples way most of the time and just doing my own thing. I'll be staying in the old house with my eldest daughter and there's enough to be done around here to keep me out of mischief for quite some time. A new fence out the back is in the making, there's a lot of painting to be done and some repairs which I could find neither the time, energy nor motivation for in the past.


One of the killing things of depression is that so much eventually seems to be pointless, and even if the necessity is apparent so much energy is wasted in trying to get things done that I would give up in the end, reinforcing the depression cycle and seriously wounding my sense of self-esteem. In the end I just didn't try any more.


The therapy I'm following is working well and I'm starting to feel the benefits of daily meditation and (self-)observation techniques learned. Actually, a lot of it is quite simple in theory and only requires a lot of practice on a daily basis to be able to quieten the mind down so I can view the world around me in a more detached and observant manner than an emotional and (over-)involved one. Now that I've been at home full time again for the last couple of weeks I've managed to pry myself loose from daily deluge of input which I'd been unable to cope with for many years and little by little I'm finally managing to relax and get my own life into a much more sensible perspective. High time, I'd say...


And so it goes. The wheel of life continues to turn, bringing hope and new challenges on a daily basis, but now in a way I'm able to control in my own fashion. Such a pity it took me almost fifty years to get to the place I'm at now, but as is said, better late than never.

Have a great day, and keep well.

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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

The Dutch Rhönrad Gymnastics Championships

I suddenly realised that I still hadn't posted the pictures of Katie at the National Championships on March 7th. Here's a selection of Katie's performance, extracted from the huge number of photos I made in the course of the day.
(Click on the images for an enlargement)


I've more or less become the "official" photographer at matches nowadays. A lot of the youngsters (and their parents) are glad that someone is able to make photos of a reasonable quality of their performances. I'm mostly interested in capturing the technical and aesthetic qualilties of the sport, with varying results depending on the lighting, the hall layout and my own mood (very important!).


Katie performed her routine very well. There were 25 contestants in her category and for quite a while she was equal third, together with one of her teammates. They were both very excited but by the time the sixteenth and twentieth gymnast had come along they were down to equal fifth place, where they also ended. It transpired later, however, that the two who won first and second places had been entered at a lower level than their usual ability, a fact that had quite a number of people grumbling.


The rest of the photos will be posted on my website later in the year. It's usually a time-consuming job with lots of colour corrections, cropping and correcting of aspects.


At the moment I'm still shooting in high quality JPEG format, I'm going to be experimenting with the RAW mode on my camera soon to see if I can get some better results that way. One of the most important things on my wish list though is still a faster lens, so I can capture the action a lot better and lose less good shots due to motion blurs and bad exposure. A guy can dream I guess...


The next match is June 6th, a friendly competition which is open for everyone who has any level of proficiency. I'll be competing there as well, if I don't have too much trouble with my shoulder in the meantime. We'll see...

Keep well...

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Friday, March 20, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Today saw me digging down into the infinite variety of colours and patterns of just one fractal set, exploring the nuances in the different areas of the equation used. Once again it's been a trip filled with surprises and unexpected mood shifts along the way.


The last few weeks have been a little frantic and dislocating, at moments when I really didn't need any extra fuss. On the other hand, I'm much more in a position now to maintain a better overview of what I'm doing and short term future perspectives. I think I'm finally able to examine the situation I'm in on a more factual and less emotional basis, and take the necessary action in a hopefully less impulsive way than I've been doing in the past.


My Soon-To-Be-Ex-Partner had been granted a new house and is now in the process of doing the necessary repairs and redecorating. The physical and emotional "moving house" has begun and an enormous weight has been lifted from my mind this last week. Perhaps it's also in combination with the brilliant spring weather, but I'm now finding the energy and the incentive to start up again on all the jobs needing doing, in which I'd been bogged down for far too long recently. The children are relieved and are cautiously optimistic after a period of too much tension and sadness on their part.


Slowly but surely changes are starting to seep through my own life, now the therapy I've been following is taking hold my way of looking at myself and the world around me. It's a form of cognitive therapy based on Buddhist meditation and philosophy, not so much a solution to the problems I carry with me but altering perspectives so that stress, pain and depression are less intrusive in my daily life. The sessions are heavy going, there are often unexpected physical, mental and emotional reactions after "letting go" of particular mindsets but the general outcome is one of improvement in all facets of my life. This course is only the beginning, I am still at the stage of learning to use new tools to aid me for the rest of my life.


Another part of my life needing attention, is the rebuilding of friendships I've let slip during the last few years. Many people who were part of my life during the years have faded to the background, still there but hardly visible whilst I've been trying to get my own life back into order. I've been taking the time during the last few weeks to rekindle acquaintances and getting to accept the fact that many mutual friends won't be around in the future. My Soon-To-Be-Ex-Partner seems to be taking on an attitude of rivalry and feels threatened, which to my mind is absolutely unnecessary since I'm assuming the people concerned from our previous joint life are intelligent enough to make their own choices on the basis of their own needs and wishes. There's nothing more I can do and I'm not going to push the issue, just play things by ear and listen to my intuition.


The sun is shining, the frost has more or less disappeared now and a light mist is developing on the reserve on the other side of the canal. Today will be a busy day, filled with optimism and renewal in the knowledge that things can only get better from now on.

Keep well.

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Friday, March 13, 2009

Fractals on Friday

Todays fractals were an attempt to find a bit of peace and quiet amidst the riot of colour and form I usually tend te generate.


Quietness is probably the most precious commodity I could posess at the moment, a lot of progress is being made in separating event and emotion, being able to review the situation at hand without it triggering an immediate response.


My life continues in cycles, the new one rebuilding and reinforcing the previous one and now that spring is well and truly upon us there's a sense of relief and renewal building up in my mind and my body.


Keep well...

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